I’ve started this blog post about three times now. But, as you can probably tell, I haven’t been satisfied enough to post it.
I miss it. I miss writing my thoughts down. I know, subconsciously, that I haven’t been because if I start writing, I will also start crying and frankly I haven’t been in the mood to cry.
That’s funny for me as a Cancer. We love to cry. Pretty sure a Cancer invented the term “pity party.” But now I live with someone and I don’t want to make it awkward.
Don’t get me wrong, my partner is the most supportive human on this earth. When I need a good cry, he offers his shoulder, his arm, his head, all of himself. But sometimes I don’t want to be the emotional wreck.
There’s an episode of Doctor Who called “A good man goes to war.” In it a character says something along the lines of “This is the day the Doctor will rise higher than he ever has before and then he will fall so much lower than he ever has.”
I feel like this is my war season. I had a solid three to four months where I was so high. God was smiling on me in a way that I don’t know if He ever has before.
Then… things settled and I realized I am still unfulfilled. Then I realized I was feeling alone. As silly as it sounds, in a sea of people and a loving partner, I feel alone.
I know I have depression. I know my childhood traumas are haunting me. They’ve been dormant as I dealt with the everyday struggles of growing up and making it on my own. Now, as my head is no longer swimming with feeling like a total failure at work (sometimes), those traumas have come knocking.
And it is affecting everything. I feel deeply. Everything. I am feeling everything so deeply, all the time. Little things make me burst into tears.
But since I am paralyzed with this crazy internalized grief that I just need to work through, I can’t even get the courage to ask for help. I need therapy. But every time my honey suggests it, I deflect.
As I write these words though, I know I need to stop what I’m doing. I need to prioritize my health. I need to look into therapy. I can’t be the best partner, sister or human if I am so paralyzed.
I don’t want to be paralyzed. I don’t want to doubt my self worth so easily. I am stronger than this.
I have to be.