I am confusion

God is a funny funny immortal being. Just when I think, maybe, just maybe I can rest my mind and settle, He has a way of confusing me once again. I thought I was finally in a position to be happy with my job and my family life. I thought maybe things were lining up and I had a clear cut plan.

Now I am being pushing into another direction and everyone is making it seem like the choice is obvious. Leaving would get me more security, more pay, more opportunities. But staying would allow me to be happy at this job that I wanted to stay at for at least five years.

But so many have pointed out: I can’t be afraid of change. I shouldn’t make decisions based on fear. Yet, here we are.

I am afraid.

I don’t know if I have admitted that out loud. Or if I have, I don’t think I have said why.

I am afraid of not being good enough. I am afraid of starting over at another job. I just want to be an expert somewhere. I want to know what I am doing without it taking over a year. I want to continue writing about weddings. I want to continue investigating Black women and their issues in the area I am in. I want to keep being a resource for them. Because once I leave, I know it will be a long time before they have another person who looks like them advocating for them.

But this job won’t get me those things AND the other things I want. Stability. Workplace protections. Financial health. I want to go on vacation with my family and not worry about budgeting down to the penny. I want to buy a new car without worrying I can’t afford it. I want to live outside of my work and my job.

I want to listen to God. I want to listen to my gut. I want my friends and family to be proud of me for making the right choice.

But I’m 26 and afraid one misstep will hurt me in the future. And each day my fear is more and more crippling.

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