Hello. 

Hi. 

Hello, my name is…

Hi. 

Dammit just don’t. Just let them speak first and follow their leads. 

Fuck. 

Gosh. Ok. Now what? 

What are this person’s intentions?

They’re probably nice. 

But you said that last time. 

Look how that turned out…

Say nothing. 

A variation of this plays out in my head with every single conversation I have. Whether it’s with my closest friends or strangers. I am trying (partially through this blog) to work on my issues. I have a hard time opening up to friends and family alike. I’ve written about this before. But each and every time I almost lose a friendship because the other party is insecure about our friendship because I don’t easily open up, it’s like a punch to the throat.

It hurts me more than it should and hurts me more than I care to admit.

I’m self aware enough to recognize that it’s not all my fault. I have been hurt in the past and I have to properly deal with that hurt in order to move on. I also know that my ride or die friends will bear with me and stay with me until I feel comfortable. I am aware of all of these things.

I know I have my squad that will wait and let me ease my way out of the cave. They’ll stay still as I fumble around. They’ll let me sit and observe for an extended period of time. When I stand, they will keep letting me observe. When I reach out my hand, they will let me make contact to make sure they’re real. And when we mutually embrace, it will be a regular Tuesday. No madness. No crazy celebration, for although gradual, I was always going to get to that hug and they trusted that I was going to get there with zero fanfare.

Friendships are courtships that require ease and lack of pressure too. It’s also a relationship.

——one week later——

Like I said, my ride or die friendships always make me feel better. I still have a ways to go but this past week one friend (like maybe a day after I wrote the above) said that I can open up. I can be vulnerable if I’m not pressured to do so. Without prompting.

So with that I say this: let your introverted friends breath. Let them be spazzes and quiet and shy. Walk beside them and continue to be their friend, even if they don’t say much at first. Unless you did something, their quiet demeanor probably has nothing at all to do with you. Unless they do something to hurt you, they probably regard your friendship as real and authentic.

Courtship.

It has been my experience that when you let friendships grow at their own natural pace without rushing, you form life long friends. They’ll be at my wedding.

If I ever get married that is. Speaking of, I’ve officially entered the “dating” game and I (to be expected) have such an unfortunate life (in a funny way, don’t worry). More on that later.

Thank you Stranger(s) on the internet for never pushing, always “listening”, and giving me then space to just be.

-m