Suggested soundtrack: The Winner Is – Mychael Danna and DeVotchKa 

I’ve always tried to be weirdly honest on this blog. I do this because I believe in transparency (even if it’s only with strangers) but also because I think it plays into the central goal of this blog: to better understand myself and my relationships by closely examining them as they play out in my daily life.

It is with that that I try to figure out my latest “predicament”.

I’ve been trying to figure out what exactly it is that I want and what to ask God/the universe for. Because I always want to be specific enough without being crazy.

So for the last month or so I’ve been like, “Send me a nice boy yada yada.”

However, I don’t know if it’s me that’s not ready or I just haven’t stumbled upon the right person.

I’m being vague. I know. I’m just trying to break apart the ideas and examine them closely.

I will say this now: I’m a virgin.

If you’re laughing right now or thinking, “Yeah, right,” I don’t blame you. I’ve talked about boys enough that you might probably think I was just being coy and didn’t want to divulge that information. Nope. Just hasn’t happened yet.

I am at a weird place in my life where my virginity is now being an anomaly. When I was in college it was fine. Lots of kids are virgins. Many lose it before they leave though.

Andy Grammer, one of my favorite musicians, talks about virginity in one of his songs and how he saved it for someone special but that doesn’t mean he didn’t explore the sexual parts of relationships. So he said something akin to “I still have my v card but it has a few tares in it.”

SAME.

I think it’s super important to have that side to a relationship. Exploring bodies and the physical aspects to a relationship are so much fun for me.

However, that last little bit where you “go all the way”? I just haven’t met the right person yet. No, I’m not waiting until marriage. I just want love and trust to be a part of that journey before I dive in.

Again, being very honest here, and only one other person knows this: I’m a survivor of sexual violence. It happened when I was a child and it has really affected my relationships. All of them. It’s why I need to go so slowly with men and why I have said I need someone who is perfectly fine being my friend and getting to know my mind before entering into a relationship with me.

I need to know that you know that I am not just a body to be taken advantage of.

That I am a person with a mind and soul and past that weighs on me.

Like I said, only one other person knows this because I’m only now starting to grapple with how much those experiences, those traumas, have continued to affect my life.

Now you’re probably wondering what the heck this has to do with what I am trying to wrestle with.

I never want to disappoint someone. If I sense that I will be a disappointment to you or I will not be what you want or need I will back off before you even get the idea to push me away.

I do this all the time.

I was speaking to a friend earlier who is in a new relationship and we were talking about the fact that I always shy away from my friends when they’re in new relationships because I don’t want to intrude. I don’t want to take away from the budding nature of it.

Likewise, if I think I will disappoint someone, particularly guys, with my “status” as a virgin I “friendzone” them with everything I have. Likewise, if I feel they are not going to be an understanding soul who will not make me feel like a circus act or nun for my choice to wait, I will run faster than Maria on those hills.

I’m 23. It’s becoming weirder and weirder to have this moral stance on this thing called sex and also be “on the market”. I know I am not alone in this. I know countess others. I should be fine.

Recently, I had to do that friendzoning thing because I suspected the person I was talking to was not going to take well to it.

He actually stopped talking to me the second I called him my friend.

Asshole.

Am I offended that I am not interesting or appealing enough to say, “Well, she doesn’t want to date me but she wants to be my friend. I like her enough that I would like to be her friend, if nothing else”?

Yes, yes I am.

I’m not wavering on my decision to remain a virgin until I love my partner and establish a sense of love with him. I won’t.

I guess–and this is exactly why I write and why I did this post more like a diary entry than a regular, clearly thought out post–this is the conclusion I was coming to all along.

Does it suck to have that be this person’s reaction?

Yes, it does.

Am I sad about the fact that others seem to find boys that open car doors and court them?

Only slightly. I’ll be honest about that much. For the most part I am very, very happy about the love I see. From strangers to various friends. I truly am. Love is so, so beautiful (I’m writing a couple love columns that are just so heartfelt I almost melted during the interviews). I love seeing it play out and when it’s that classic love where both parties are so attuned to what the other person wants and needs, I become a cartoon with hearts in my eyes. But yes, a part of me does want that too.

That’s the gist of this. It stinks but it doesn’t make me waiver.

My right guy, one who will be kind and understanding without even needing to know every last bit of me is out there. Having the sensitivity to get to know someone before and be their friend will be something that is a part of their ideology just as it is a part of mine.

May love find us all.

May it catch us off guard and make our heads spin.

May it make our hearts dance.

May it force a smile so big that our faces hurt.

May it ignite an electricity within us that makes us feel like Gal Gadot when she defeats Ares.

May it be a part of a pie of peace which helps us deal with our scars and pasts.

Love,

M