Sommeil

I think the more I’m in the real world the more I’m seeing the heartbreaking pitfalls of technology and living in a society where sex and being rude and distant is normalized. I think sometimes people just want to establish some sort of connection so they may have someone to chat with about the normal stuff. The sad, the happy, the stoned thoughts at 1am….

So I’ve been in New York for about a month now. I haven’t written in a hot second. Not even in my diary. Strange. I know it’s taking a toll. I think it’s because I get so tired from work and being around long form journalism. I’m trying to change that. Someone at work (a new mentor of sorts) said to me that New York doesn’t necessarily get easier. She told me that I have to carve out my own time and my own sense of privacy and therefore happiness.

I am a pretty judgemental and serious person. These are not necessarily flaws but it gets me into a lot of emotional trouble. Hilda and I got into a huge fight and I finally got so fed up from expecting things from her (things like respect, trust, etc) that I gave up. However, this isn’t an end to the friendship. Rather, I’ve constructed a new friendship. One where I don’t necessarily expect those things. I would like them because it kinda hurts to be called “fake” all the time by a friend but I won’t demand it anymore. However, I will not be as wholehearted in every action. I have a tendency to be an emotional “Captain Save A Ho”. I’m learning, the hard way, that it just makes life harder for me and might not actually be “saving” anyone around me. I preach self love and self worth. It’s time I didn’t expand myself so much that I have nothing left to give.

I still have a ways to go though. One way I know that is my reaction this morning to seeing that Luis had not only not watched my snap story, he had shoved it in my face again that he is here and having a blast. For those who don’t know, Luis is this Puerto Rican kid I started to find interesting back in the days of Colin (I know, fucked up. I never pursued anything with it and I never did anything because I am not a cheater and I thought I had a strong thing with Colin — there was no way I was going to fuck it up because I found Luis’s personality attractive). Anyway, even after I broke things off with Colin I didn’t pursue anything because I wasn’t sure if he was interested and I was also working on getting over Colin fully. Fast forward to senior week (a week after classes are over and Bowdoin gets us all drunk to ease the pain of leaving). I told him my feelings at graduation (I know, I’m a coward but I just didn’t expect to have the opportunity to see him anytime soon).

However, his best friend is in New York and he came back a couple days ago. From a previous convo from earlier this summer (we semi stayed in touch?) he said he would hit me up when he got here. But I’m realizing he really has no intention of doing that. Of course I was petty and over posted on snapchat. However, I really was doing a bunch of cool stuff yesterday. He watches every story and never posts stories. Or so was his pattern. He’s posted more stories in the last three days than the entire year and he stopped watching my story. I know, I’m making a bigger deal out of this than I should but he also contacts me for weird things that suggest he is interested but then just drops it. I’m confused. More than anything I’m confused.

Of all my posts, this is the most whiny I’ve ever felt (you may disagree, Dear Reader, I won’t be mad). It’s a strange new world I’m in with men. The reason I started off this post with expectations is that I have so many and having them leads me to being confused and frustrated. I won’t change overnight but I’m working on it.

There is this guy on Tinder I am talking to (or was talking to? I don’t know) who said in his bio: “Just looking for some reciprocity”. 1. Yes, I re downloaded Tinder. Like my new relationship with Hilda, I am walking into that world with no goals, no expectations and mostly to fuck with people. I think everyone needs a laugh every now and then and that’s basically what I try to do on Tinder. I also use it for validation that I’m still pretty because with the way my dating life (or lack thereof) is, it’s nice to know my face (which I love dearly and it’s not a self deprecating situation, trust) can still attract a nice looking man.

I think the last time I was on Tinder there was a such a shame within me. I was feeling so alone and so sad. Now I kinda just wanna laugh at the stupidity. Telling a girl, “I like your lips” two sentences in, is just ridiculous and stupid. However, it makes me laugh every time. Likewise, sending a Joey gif of “How you doin’?” will also make me laugh. Sidenote: I quickly unmatched both of those men but I had a chuckle so it was all good.

Back to this kid who wants some reciprocity. I think the more I’m in the real world the more I’m seeing the heartbreaking pitfalls of technology and living in a society where sex and being rude and distant is normalized. I think sometimes people just want to establish some sort of connection so they may have someone to chat with about the normal stuff. The sad, the happy, the stoned thoughts at 1am. Connection. I sympathize with him. It won’t go past Tinder but I hope I was able to provide a chuckle and a little bit of the reciprocity I know we’re all looking for.

I’m going to try very hard to sleep soon.

Count some sheep for me tonight ok?

-M

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