You wanna know the great thing about going through it many times in life? By “it” I mean the bullshit the universe likes to throw at you just to remind you you actually don’t have any real control but rather you are a pawn in its grand game of life. The great thing about going through it is that there is brightness ahead. I know what to expect and I know that is is only temporary. It’s not forever. I have survived before and I will survive again. I promise you I will.

I will survive the panic attacks. In those moments when I feel like I can’t breath, I remind myself that I will get through this. I remind myself that I have had one of these before and I made it to the other side. Breath in. Breath out. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

 

I will get through feeling like I am losing myself. Fall of 2015. I was fucking up then. That was when I was dumb enough to forget my morals and my attachment to self reflection. I knew I was messing up but I did stupid shit anyway. But I made it through that. I found myself again and I got back to being me. Heck, I improved myself and became a better version of myself.

I will not always be alone. I am not alone. I have God on my side and stars to make wishes on. I will not always feel like I am alone. I’m only 23. Not only are my friendships and family situation just amping up their stability, I know I still have many relationships to form.

My career is just getting started. Do I feel like I can’t touch the ground? Yes. Do I feel aimless? Yes. But that is (according to multiple sources) a symptom of it being freshman year of the real world. This is supposed to happen. Furthermore, 2017 as a year has been super challenging. Being an empath makes it emotionally draining just to exist. Feeling everything makes it difficult to detach and just focus on something else. However, I got through school by pushing myself and I made it through Bowdoin of all places. I know that I will find my footing and figure out my next plan. I have done it before.

All of this is to say, I am in pain. Mentally, emotionally and physically (I haven’t been feeling well — aches and dizziness abound), I am in pain. However, I know that I’ll be ok and that the big guy up in the sky is looking out. Knowing that, while it doesn’t stop the pain, does give me hope for the future and for my progression on this journey.

Best, best, best,

— m