This is a God dream

I’m in a state. I have been numb for the last few weeks and being sober has allowed me to keep all the emotions at bay. Tonight I drank a little–it’s my school’s music festival weekend. The carefully constructed and seemingly strong wall broke. Now I’m in the bathroom and I cannot leave. I’m feeling slightly raw. 

I am struggling to understand how and why the things that happen to people happen. Hilda always says, don’t put a question mark where God put a period. A big portion of my time at college and witnessing what my sister has to and has gone through has consisted of me trying to respect that period. This is the way things are. We are fighters. We are not unique at all–the suffering we go through is nothing compared to that of others–but our particular breed is that of fighters, those with many an obstacle in front of them. All we can do is fight. We have no other choice. Quitting on life or a situation is not in our blood. It is not in my blood. Even when I feel as though the world is closing in on me, it is not in my blood. Even when I feel as though I am a failure in so many aspects, I have no choice but to fight. God did not give me the option or the ability to not fight. Sometimes, however, that fighting spirit reaches such a low it seems almost as though it has moved on to a separate plane and I can no longer go on. But, I simply cannot. It is always there. 

So much that goes on in my head is never shared (minus with y’all). Hilda says that I think I have explained everything because I have overthought it so much in my head but really I say nothing. I am worried I will never be able to communicate with others the way I write shit out. I am afraid that I will be left in the dust and not find my place. I am afraid of ending up like my sister, alone and constantly taken advantage of by those around me. I am afraid of being alone despite craving that alone time. I am afraid I made a mistake in dumping Colin even though I know I didn’t. I am afraid I didn’t ask Luis to just make out during the one weekend at my school where that would be socially acceptable because I am a coward and live in my head and now the one guy I maybe had a shot at a casual thing with is gone. I am afraid that I have lost Isaac forever because he found himself and that new self no longer needs or wants me there. I am afraid I will never be able to love properly despite all of the love in my heart. I am afraid I will never get married or have kids and a career even though I am only 22 and have all the time in the world. I am afraid I am not beautiful. I am afraid God has given up on me because gave me so many blessings last year. I am afraid my assessment of this year will not be good when it is over. I am afraid I will not find a job and be stuck at home. I am afraid of falling behind. I am afraid of seeing Michael Butler knowing he is with someone because he is my kryptonite, my “what if” guy, me to Colin right now even though he is in a relationship–the person you would drop everything for, despite not even wanting to. I am afraid that when college is over, I will be alone and sad and no one will say happy birthday anymore. I am afraid I will never talk myself into truly loving again or any sort of physical intimacy because I will know the dude is most likely looking for sex at this point in our lives and I can’t/won’t give that to people. I am afraid I can’t/won’t be able to get out of my head. I am afraid I won’t be able to finish my final papers and graduate. I am afraid I have made shallow friends at college and once this is over there will be no one by my side. I am afraid I am a bad person because everyone always leaves or they hurt me and I have to fight for myself. 

All these fears reside in my head all the time at the same time. Not a moment goes by. That is why I started drinking this weekend. That is why I wore barely any clothing to the concert in hopes of something happening with any of the boys at this school. Of course I ended up going home early because that is what I do. Despite my cool calm demeanor outside of my head, I am struggling on the inside. But I live in the struggle now. The struggle has fused with my blood and created an electric blue that runs through my veins. I cannot be apart from it, even if I want to. I have tried that. I have tried going with the flow but then the universe and God slap that shit down and remind me “Uh uh uh, you don’t get to live a restful life. That’s not how this thing works for you. Try again. *insert more struggle here*”  

In the Disney movie “Tangled” (which is a great movie, so freakin’ cute) she sings the song “When Will My Life Begin”. Repunzel talks about all of the mundane things she does and wonders when will it be over and she can leave the tower and explore the world more. We are kindered spirits. Except I am wondering when will my life be less adventure, less hard, less of a struggle. It’s hard fighting all the time. I will continue to do it but it so hard to continue sometimes and I simply needed to air it all out. 

Thanks for reading until the end, reader. 

Until next time,

M

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