Hi there. If you’re reading this, you’re probably wondering where exactly I have been for the last three months. It’s a long story. I might tell it in this post. I might not.
The boiled down version of everything is this: I was feeling incredibly down about myself last December after the semester ended. Nothing was really wrong, it was just that I felt like I needed to do something different about the stuff that was wrong in my life. I quit the editorial board of the paper. It was driving me insane to be a person of color in a white savior space. I got on Tinder.
Yes, you read that right. Me. Marina. I got on TINDER. It was insane. Writing it down now doesn’t seem so scary but it is. I have a post dedicated to how much I hate Tinder. I didn’t want to share with y’all because I have talked so much shit about it. I ranted and I virtually kicked and screamed. I know. But it happened. I was lonely and sad that my friends were all experiencing these things called relationships and romance. Hilda was in a precarious situation with a boy but at least she was deriving some sexual pleasure from what she was doing. Arindam was also getting around. My two closest friends at school were being pursued and desired and I was not. I was left in the dust and I felt like maybe I was wrong. It’s just an app right? I would just talk to anyone who “I” was “lucky” enough to be matched with.
Then Colin happened. I mentioned it briefly in a draft I actually was going to post. I matched with a boy I knew would be a match but didn’t think much of. We hit it off. We went out for coffee. Sweet kid. A true romantic. I told him I wasn’t into hooking up or even a relationship right now (I was lonely, not desperate). However, he kept pursuing me. For two months this kid courted me and then back in February I said I would be his girlfriend. He bought me gifts; he wrote me letters. He came to visit; he pleased me physically. He was attentive; he was funny. He restored my faith in good guys. He made me believe that I am deserving of everything he was doing because I was a boss ass bitch. But in the back of my mind, I didn’t want it. As great as he was and as comfortable as everything was, there was something keeping me from fully investing. He distracted me often. He made me feel guilty all the time for being distant or needing my own space and time. After a month, I ended things. I could no longer take the strain of being in a relationship while also being present in all things senior spring and finding a job for after graduation. This was almost a month ago. I thought we would remain friends. I tried. I always thought it would be romantic to have someone pursue me. But it reaches a point when you are angry and overwhelmed. When no amount of guilt they try to force on you sticks and you have to stand up for yourself. That was me this morning. Enough is enough.
So things I learned from Colin:
- There are nice guys out there that will show you the love and the respect you deserve.
- Do not compromise your morals/values/beliefs just because “everyone is doing it.” You believe the things that you believe for a reason, even if sometimes you forget or don’t want to pay attention to those reasons.
- You set the rules. Even in controlling situations. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt.
- Know when enough is enough and leave a toxic situation. As painful as it may be, it will be worse if you stay.
- Never stop writing. Don’t let anyone ever fuck with her brain so much that you don’t write.
- Breath. You will find a job. You will graduate. You will be alright. You have no choice but to be alright.
- Never lose faith.
As you can tell from above, some of those things are directly related to the Colin situation and some are not. I think not being stressed out over break and the beginning of the semester spoiled me. When a small amount of stress started the snowball that is today’s stress, it felt larger as a result.
I am now numb. I feel nothing really. In the words of Rahms, it’s a dangerous place to be. I am motivated but not really. I am just tired is all. I am hoping this is a funk and not indicative of a larger problem.
Pray for me friends.