Scream out my name

Less than a year ago I discovered the beauty that is Jon Bellion. I instantly fell in love. I listened to three of his songs – Luxury, All Time Low and Human – on repeat for the last year. This past week I ventured further (yes, it took me this long to venture past those songs) and listened to the entire Definition album. On it is a song called Ooh.

As you can see, I haven’t written in a hot second. It’s because I have reached a level of happiness that I don’t want to escape, not even for writing. I haven’t felt this happy in three years at Bowdoin and before. I am living out my dream in Australia. I love all of my classes, I am discovering new places like the rain forest and I am just generally happy. I have even been compelled to pray to God in my time here for the mental peace I have reached.

I love Karen Gillan and watched Doctor Who on Netflix. Netflix then suggested the movie Not Another Happy Ending for me to watch. In it, the main character writes a book about her father that was apparently really sad and she became really successful as a result. Afterwards, however, she is in a rut. Her publisher realizes that she needs to be sad in order to write the sequel. I think I’ve mentioned this before in another post and I stand by it here: sometimes the biggest piece of motivation for a writer is pain.

These last couple of weeks have been the first time I’ve wanted to write in a while and it comes of no surprise that it’s because of a little bit of emotional pain. I’m slightly homesick, even though I’m really happy. Even more so, however, my happiness regarding my relationship with myself and others is slipping.

I started this post about a week ago. It’s taken me this long to finish because it was difficult for me to figure out exactly what was going on inside my brain when I started it. I’ve been happy but for the last week or so I was unhappy. Every day is getting better though. I think one of the things I’ve come to realize about myself is that I hold a lot of my emotions inside until I can deal with them (or when they overcome me and I have no choice but to deal with them). If they aren’t happy emotions I don’t like to deal with them in public. Being in a new country where you’re trying to make friends and get accustomed to a new environment, it’s almost like you’re always in public and don’t get a lot of private time (the 16 hours time difference also killed me the first couple of weeks).

I didn’t deal with everything from the week before I left in its entirety. Slight pain is still there. This past week has also been rough because it’s about this time last year that my ex and I broke up. Wow. It’s been a year. In some ways, I ought to thank Matt for breaking my heart. Without that I would not have had the motivation to seek out a new writing outlet and I would not have discovered how soothing this platform is. Still stings a little though.

Sidenote: It’s kinda like a burn I have on my leg. I swear every year around a certain time it stings and become slightly uncomfortable. I’m convinced it’s because it’s the anniversary of when it happened. It’s not terribly painful but it makes me wince and think back to how it got there.

My heartbreak from a year ago and the residual stuff from last month put a damper on things. Ooh by Jon Bellion triggered it all. It’s this beautiful love song about how this man loves this woman who’s kisses “taste like June” and who he is convinced is an angel sent down and who he needs to “Praise God” for. I’ve said this countless times, but I want to be someone’s inspiration, their favorite person, their best friend and someone whose kisses make them drunk. It shouldn’t have made me sad, but it did.

I have faith that I’m in for an epic love story. He won’t be this grand person, just a guy. Our love will be basic but it will be pure and true – that is what will make it epic. I have to be patient. It’s often when one is least expecting or looking that they get exactly what they want.

Case in point: this past Wednesday I got an email saying I got the internship I was hoping for but wasn’t expecting. One of two students interning at a public broadcasting network. I’m beyond thrilled. Even more exciting, I got a scholarship for my tuition that I honestly forgot I even applied for.

On top of that, Australia has been amazing. Beyond amazing. Thus far, the decision to spend a semester away has been the best decision I have ever made. It is the quiet and peace I craved for back home. I am finally at peace and every part of me is happy. That’s why this post is so sudden. It’s the first time I’ve even remotely felt not ecstatic since coming to Canberra.

I know that just as it always does, my sadness will pass. Especially now being in the country of my dreams, studying some cool history and government, I’ll be right as rain by Monday. I have to work on being more alone here though. While being with others is so very important, I forgot for a second that I recharge in a different way and that’s ok. Feeling feelings when I need to feel them isn’t my strong suit (as my previous entries can attest to…). I have to try even harder here, since I am so happy, to think about my emotions more thoroughly and let the not so happy emotions out sometimes. I can’t just push homesickness and stings of past heartbreaks down. I have to let them come and deal with them.

And just like that, I am more centered. Until next time.

-M

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