If I got locked away…

Although I get upset with many of my relationships, they always teach me something which is a pretty great trade off.

Those who care about your relationship (platonic, romantic, familial, etc, etc) will be there for you and with you through thick and thin. They will somehow make sure that your relationship is strong and that even when you don’t see eye to eye, they would still fight for you and be your cheerleader.

As I’m gearing up to go away there are certain people who come to my mind that I have to see before I go. Likewise, there are people who have reached out to me saying they want to see me before I go. The groups are pretty much the same. If I’m thinking about them, odds are they’re thinking about me as well and I appreciate that.

Life is not about the number of “friends” you have or the number of party buddies you have. What matters is the strength of the relationships you do have. I was really torn in the past about this. Should I have more friends or should I have a smaller number of stronger relationships? Freshman year I tried the close personal friendship thing only. Sophomore year I tried the multiple “friends” (read acquaintances) thing. Junior year thus far has been a weird conglomeration of both. I have to say that I prefer the close relationships but also understand the value of acquaintances. They keep you in check as far as how to communicate with people you are not close to – a very important life skill.

My sister and I have been butting heads as of late but not because we’re upset at one another. On the outside looking in that is probably what it looks like. I consider myself a pretty punctual and proper person. She makes me look like a loser who is always late and is pretty much a slob. I love her for it because she is my role model and makes me want to better myself. Sometimes, however, it can be hard to live up to her expectations. The real reason we’ve been butting heads recently is because I leave on Friday. The day after tomorrow Friday. It’s going to be hard. This will be the first time we be away from each other for such a long period of time since she came here in 2005. She’s scared for me and scared about what the future holds. I’m scared too, to be honest. I don’t know what it will be like to truly be away from home. I’m also scared that my sister will need me here and I won’t be able to help out. I’m just scared in general. We both are.

Despite this fear and clashing lately, we both understand what we mean to one another. I have become more understanding of where she is coming from and have taken more of an initiative to get shit done on time. She has reduced the level of intensity in regards to her expectations. We’re working on it because we love each other. Spending the time to solidify and make that relationship stronger is more important to me than going off and finding others to be friends with.

Likewise, my friends who really care about what’s going on in my life and care about me have reached out and I have seen almost all of them. I’ve had a chance to say goodby and to hang out with them because they’re all two sided relationships.

—-

I was debating whether or not to go back and delete that rant from last week. I’ve decided to keep it up, however. Sometimes our emotions overtake us. Some people in those moments do destructive things. (Case in point: when I ended things with my boyfriend and he seemed completely fine with it, I tore apart my room and destroyed decorations that took hours to put up. I also lashed out at this individual in a pretty unfair manner.) This time, I wrote. I was able to check my emotions and even though I was angry, I released that anger in a nondestructive way.

I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little embarrassed at how angry I was. I mean, I put a “Swerve” and “Bye Felicia” meme AND that hilarious vine about getting one’s heart broken. But again, much better reaction than last time. It’s a good reminder for me that I am human and that things may seem bad but I always need to take a breath and let the emotions come in a productive manner.

Blogging has really helped me in that way. There is something about a public, private blog (I’ll explain) that makes me pause and get under control before writing that my journal (which is still getting used heavily) doesn’t do. Public because it’s on the interwebs and anyone can see it. Private because no one in my own personal world (one exception) knows about it. Taking that breath and crafting a post, hopefully with a theme each time, helps me calm down. This has transferred to my non online life and I think I’m much better at controlling my emotions until I can get to my room and let my hand fly within my journal.

For those wondering: he hasn’t said a word and did not try to see me before I left. When I think about my relationship with him I think of the most delicate sand animal. Not a thing – I know. But can’t you picture it now? A tiny little horse, made solely out of sand. I picture that I thought the horse (relationship) was stronger and was so compact and dry that it couldn’t easily fall apart. Then suddenly a gust of wind comes (in the form of intense emotions and broken hearts) and the sand horse just crumbles. The beautiful sand that once made up this beautiful horse (all our memories for the last 2+ years that made our relationship seem so strong) slips through my fingers and is no more. This makes me sad but then I think, as beautiful as the horse was, that’s not what it is anymore. It hasn’t been a beautiful relationship for a long time and accepting that has made my life better. The sand horse may have looked strong, but it was not… Letting the sand slip away, wiping my hands clean of it and continuing on my journey of self-discovery and self love has been great for my mental health. In the words of one of my good friends, “Sometimes you just gotta cut a bitch off.” I thought about my decision to unfriend him on Facebook and Snapchat and I’m pretty happy with it. I was torturing myself by trying to be a mature individual who always initiated things but I don’t need to be. My loved ones are here for me. After this summer and that journey of self restraint that I went on, I now know who those people are. I am also better at detecting when someone is not worth my time and energy, when I know it will be a one sided friendship and to not invest as much into the relationship as I would others. It took me a little bit to get here, but I’m kind of proud of myself that I finally did. 2016: the year Marina finally gets better at deciphering and dealing with her emotions regarding boys.

Love yourself and let others love you. They are there. You just have to stop looking and let them come to you and for you to naturally gravitate towards them. It will happen. Sometimes, it’s better to let things happen (even if you don’t think you want them to) rather than trying to force something else to happen.

Wish tranquility, peace and love to you all.

-M

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