Must reclaim my kingdom

When I was a kid, I used to love living in my head. There, I was the princess and I was the dashing hero. I slayed beasts and saved myself. I made up stories of love and triumph. I went on grand adventures to far off worlds while living in a home I didn’t always feel like I was accepted.

Over the years, my mind has changed. With each external demon I face, the more mental ones appear when I try to retreat to my space like I used to.

What once was a happy space is now riddled with an outlet-less pain and monsters that can’t be slayed with swords because they are memories.

Sometimes it feels like my mind is revolting. As I try harder and harder to cleanse it of weeds and find trapdoors to happiness, the more it sends beasts to scare and terrify me.

A place that once was my solace is now my prison, turning a simple grievance into a debilitating mental wall with no footholds.

Meanwhile I am screaming all the time. I’m no longer all the characters. I’m not the charming prince intent on saving the day. I’m not the voice of reason calming the room. I’m not the authority figure in my own dreamscape.

I am the damsel. And I want out of this madness. I want the anxiety and depression beasts to go away.

God, what sort of steel will give me back my realm? How can I reclaim the kingdom of my mind? What quest must I complete to regain control of the land?

Dear Lord can you please send me a messenger with the enchantments I need to slay these beasts so that I may rest?

I am screaming. My body cannot take the insomnia much longer. 3 a.m. is not a time to be awake. My eyes are red with tears whose flow I can’t stop or prevent. And thinking happy thoughts is not working.

And my mind. My God, my mind. I have no retreat anymore.

Won’t someone help me slay this beast?

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