Sometimes you wake up and you look at yourself and you’re like, “Damn. I’m fly.” And it’s not just like you have a cute outfit on or your makeup is on point, it’s that you feel good about your insides and your actions and you may not know exactly what is going on at all times but you feel like you’re in a good place with the world.

Other times you wake up and it’s the exact opposite and you feel like shit.

And yet other times, most times I’m going to venture out and say, you look and some parts of the picture are super fly and some parts are meh.

Where am I as I head into the new era? Somewhere between the first and the third. Feeling super fly for a majority of things but there are absolutely some things I have to work on.

• I need to drink more water.
• I need to write more. Here, my journal, my bullet journal, at work, etc.
• I need to read more. I used to love to all the time and I fell off because of my job. I need to pick it back up.
• I need to be fearless in my love again (more on that later.)
• I need to exercise more (my blood pressure is too high for a 25-year-old.)
• I need to take more pictures with the people I care about. Pictures bring me joy even if people think they’re silly.
• I need to take mini-trips. Go on drives. Not feel like it has to be extravagant in order to be fun. Museums, parks, I wanna see it all.
• I need to stay positive even when shit looks “hopeless.” I’ve got God and good friends/family on my side. I do not need to fear the future.
• I need to be kinder to everyone. Lift up other women. Tell someone I’m thinking of them when I am.
• I need to use social media less. Not go on a cleanse, just share less in general. It’s toxic and I need to be better about controlling my relationship with it.
• I need to listen more intently. I’m forgetting a lot. Apparently it’s always been a thing and I want to be better at remembering the things I hear.
• I need to not bite my nails when things get stressful. It’s a gross habit and I like when my nails look nice.

That seems like a fairly healthy list if I do say so myself.

2019 was another roller coaster of a year. I moved again. Now I’m in Delaware. I’ve been forced to open my heart and make new friends and connections. I had some major stir ups at my job.

But by the end of it now, the dust is sort of clearing. The mental and emotional jet lag I felt when I moved to New York and Wisconsin was much longer than this. It’s only been six months but I’m on better ground than I was.

Is this what growing up is all about? Simply going through changes but having a faster recovery time?

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My world is so ordinary. It’s nothing special.

My parents are divorced and I have strained relationships with both of them.

My sister is my biggest support system. We’re still navigating what that means when it comes to how I choose to live my life while away from home so as not to disappoint her while also giving me my freedoms.

I resent my brother. He was given all the opportunity in the world and I felt he squandered it. He had love from my parents, a great career prospect, friends that adored him, all of it. Then he messed up and has been messing up ever since. I shouldn’t judge him too harshly. That’s part of it. I am self aware enough to understand I need to not judge because shit happens and we all mess up. I think I’m upset because the level of support he got/has, I don’t think I would get if I made similar mistakes. I don’t think I could survive if I did what he did because while I have a wonderful support system, I would never feel comfortable enough to tap into it for anything, not even a small thing. But I need to let that resentment go. It’s much better than it was years ago, but I need to dispel it from my heart fully. I know it will take time, as any childhood trauma does, but I want it to be gone. I want to not judge and stay in the past with that relationship. Everyone makes mistakes they regret. I need to forgive deep in my head and heart because otherwise I will have a niece or nephew in 2020 that I will not know and that would crush me.

My job is one I loved at the start and now they’ve put me in such a spot that I’m feeling used. I’m still doing great things and telling stories but I feel tokenized at some points and improperly managed at other points. But as my old editor told me: Change is a constant thing in this business. You have to get used to that if you want to succeed.

My friendships are all over the place. I have wonderful friends I am close to and then one that I’m still figuring out if it is something good in my life. Others have all the opinions about it. But I’m going to keep riding in the gray area until God makes it clearer.

Why this second section you ask? Because nothing is ever black and white. If I want to acknowledge the things I want to change, I must also acknowledge where my mind is at and the challenges I have with accomplishing those goals.

They may not seem like direct correlations but they are. For instance, I want to travel more. That comes into conflict with what my sister (pretty much de facto mom since mine low key gave up the title years ago) wants for me. She wants me to be safe and not get into any trouble and that sometimes means she doesn’t like me going on trips.

But like I said, we’re working on those things and I’m happy so far with the direction it’s going in.

Phew, what a long little entry. I did say I’m trying to write more.

Until next time.

-M