Breathless

Sometimes I worry I’m too stubborn. Sometimes I ask myself if I am too self righteous. A know it all. An uncompromising bitch. Sometimes I wonder if, in my quest for constant self awareness I’ve closed myself off.

Should I forgive that friend? Should I explore that relationship? Should I speak up on something that is merely a tiny battle in a larger war?

All this and more I ask myself.

I’ve been escaping a lot these days. I turned off my social media except for work. I silenced my messages and don’t look. I hide my emotions a little bit more from the people around me.

At night, during lunch, in the wee hours of dawn, I make up more stories these days. Tales of a young girl being swept away. Not necessarily by a prince. But more so a chaotic life finally making sense. That there is a reason for the loudness that seemed to be an essential part of her life.

We write what we know…and we write what we desire.

You ever the phrase “the silence is deafening”? That’s my mind these days. It’s so loud. I just want it to be quiet. I thought by shutting everything off, literally, that suddenly things would be less muddied. I thought turning off the music and listening to rain would drown out the anxiety.

It hasn’t.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll make it out alive.

But I have to…right?

For billions of years we, humans, have been living. I don’t mean existing. Humans before me dealt with all of it. The changing times. Growth. All of it was lived by humans before me. And humans exactly like me are doing it. And when I die, when I am nothing but a corpse giving back to Mother Nature, humans after me will also survive and live.

So I have to be able to do it. This life thing.

There’s no reason that I can’t. Right?

There’s no reason for me to not get up in the morning.

There’s no reason for me to not go into the job that I love with my whole heart. That brings me so much joy.

There’s no reason that I shouldn’t believe in the goodness of people.

There’s no reason that I shouldn’t believe that although I am not a hero in this story, I can’t still be a character that loves and falls and makes mistakes and gets back up and perseveres and lives not just to see another day but lives to have a beautifully fulfilling life.

There’s no reason.

And it’s time for me to stop arguing with the universe about these facts.

Because there isn’t a reason.

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