Purest imagination

Sometimes when things are going so well, I get really scared. Like I’m terrified. Any moment, the proverbial shoe could not only drop it could sink into a deep black endless wormhole with no other side.

Because when things are this good, it’s only a matter of time before my luck runs out.

It’s happened before.

Again.

And again.

And again.

I feel petrified.

And that kind of takes away from the joy of the moment, no matter how good it’s going.

Yesterday I was backing up into a parking spot and as I was straightening out the car next to me started to go backwards. And I thought that my breaks weren’t working and that it was me who was actually moving further into the parking space—right into the car behind me. But it wasn’t. My breaks were fine. I wasn’t moving.

As afraid as I was, I also thought, “Welp, this is it. This is the shoe. A car accident in a parking lot. This is the next big mess.”

Two months ago I was feeling very blessed. New job, perfect apartment. Then one day it all went to shit. Like duped out of over a thousand dollars, finally calling out for help from my friends, randomly bursting into tears, shit.

I was so scared. I was also angry and confused. But mostly scared. I felt hopeless. Like the universe was punishing me gravely for something I wasn’t even aware I did.

And now that fear is low key always with me.

I’m trying to shake it. But it’s crippling me.

Because things are so good. Really really good. The worst thing I have to deal with is so minor I don’t even consider it something I have to “deal with.”

So.

Now my goal is just to shake this fear. But man I’m struggling. I haven’t felt this shaky since the first day of high school.

But it’s because so much is going well and I’m afraid of losing it.

How do you live in the moment while your mind is equally entrenched in an emotion you don’t feel like you can control?

Pray for me, yeah?

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