Sometimes I have really good days when it comes to my mind running away from me. Some stretches of time I can fool my brain into thinking that anything bad or wrong in my life or my head is because of outside forces.
There are those rare days though that I can’t lie about how down I feel. There are even rarer weeks when the weight of the world seems like it’s going to make me a pancake if I move a muscle too fast.
There’s some days when I’m just in a bad mood because of family or boys or self love shit.
Then there are days like the last few and today when it’s bad. Just really bad.
What do I have to offer this world?
Realistically, what do I have…
- A family so broken I don’t know if we were ever whole. So broken that I want to emancipate myself and move to a new galaxy at the age of 24.
- A career that I love so much my heart shatters knowing I’m going insane doing it. I followed my heart and went to distant lands but what do I have to show for it? I say I love it but these days all it brings me is tears.
- So many tears I can’t shed in mixed company because all of my traumas are still present.
I sometimes wonder, on these days when I just want nothing more than to start over, is it worth it?
Am I worth it? Did He want to make an example out of me?