Lately, I’ve been having somewhat of an identity crisis. With my hair. As a black female, I change it a lot. As a black female with short–but not too short–hair, I can do a lot with it. Braids, curls, etc. etc. Recently, I’ve gotten into wearing this big wig.
Now, the reason for this is this: I’m in the middle of nowhere with many, many white people. I love white people (I grew up in Maine). But even as a child I was still surrounded enough by color that when I changed my hair, it wasn’t crazy.
Here, where the black female population is around 1% (for real, not an exaggeration), it’s a big deal. People look at me and act differently towards me as a result. The ones I see all the time have gotten used to it but most people are still curious.
Which is fine, mind you. But it gets a little weird when I attract men only when I have on long hair extensions or my massive wig. Or my friend here says something like “You look like the girl next door that is approachable in a movie,” when I have straight extensions in my hair.
But I love my natural hair. I cut my hair for a reason. It’s easy to manage and never in my face (I hate when my hair is in my face, it drives me nuts).
But I’m also a girl who is struggling with self esteem issues at the moment (long story but that is not super relevant at the moment). I also notice everything. Like I said, even my friends here treat me differently when I change my hair. In a way that has me sad sometimes.
I feel like I’m pretty no matter what I do. But I don’t always get treated that way by them.
It’s ok. I’m used to it and it comes with the territory.
So I’ve been buying a lot of things to figure out how I want to look.
But yesterday I got some clarity. Fuck what people think. I like having my natural hair out and I love the simplicity in being me. I also love extensions and crazy colors but one is not more beautiful than the other.
I finally took a mini vacation yesterday. Finally told work I just needed a break (the burnout was setting in and I needed to just stop for a moment).
I had a plan before the clarity though: use your day off to buy more wigs and makeup to fit in even more.
But I don’t know what happened. Instead of doing annnny of that, I bought three new books yesterday, a bag so I could carry said books anywhere and everywhere, new pencils for my bullet journal and other random stuff like lotion for my purse.
In the words of Lil Dicky, “I call that shit God.”
The people I know who care about me and like who I am as a person don’t care what my hair looks like or what my makeup looks like.
What is on your head does not matter as much as what is in your head.
Weird, I know I’m sounding like an after school special but it’s true.
It’s funny to me that I’m still learning these lessons at 24 years old. I guess life is constantly learning and relearning and discovering.
Reader, if you take anything at all from this post, let it be this: you’re beautiful just the way you are. Whether you want to have your face be magazine ready or you just want to put on light foundation and let your natural hair air dry.
You are beautiful.
Also, some days you just need to spend too much money on books and $1 mini lotions.
I thank God and my friends from home for giving me the clarity to see that my beauty and my worth is not entirely associated with how I look. I love them for gassing me up about reading poetry and being happy in coffee shops.
Now, go buy shit that makes your soul and your heart–not your brain or society–happy, dear reader. Weather that is a wig or a book or both, do it.
Goss– lol jk