I have these moments, many if you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, where I am/feel like a bad bitch. You know? I feel like I can walk the streets by myself and be so comfortable and badass.

Then…

Then there are other times. When it’s raining and there is a storm watch for like five hours. The sky is dark and brooding and hauntingly beautiful. The girl at the coffee shop tells me about a spot on a hill overlooking the lake where the lightening hits the water and it might be one of the most beautiful things she has seen here in my new home. So I drive out there and can’t get my car close enough to the water so I park down the street and get out. It’s raining but luckily I was going to go swimming earlier before the rain started so I’m in a swimsuit. It makes being rained on not that bad. I walk down the street and overlook the water.

And it is there, when I’m overlooking the water as it’s being pummeled with electricity that, for a moment, I wish…

For a moment I wish I had a companion. For a second I wish I had a partner to cuddle and hug as the world has a crazy beautiful meltdown around me.

I have a weird fascination and love for rain. Not just for the sense of clean and purity that follows but also because I’m a Cancer and water–even in rain form–is cleansing and therapeutic for my soul.

Being drenched in it as the sky comes alive with light is almost a holy experience.

It was beautiful.

But it also made me a little lonely.

Love is a tricky thing. To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before has been on repeat for me all week. It’s a wonderful film. But it makes you think about about stuff.

What is our mission? What are we here for? How do we get to where we are supposed to be? How or do we ever know that we’re on the right path?

I guess we don’t.

Mass this week talked about faith in the Church and it made me think about other things.

Patience is not one of the virtues I’m good at. At all. I don’t know how to be still when it comes to things that are important to me.

I think I’m *finally* at a stage in my life where I’m doing some interesting stuff that I think is benefiting me spiritually, emotionally and mentally.

I walk along the beach a lot. I go to festivals where I try new foods and see different cultures. Although I’m financially poor (#StudentLoansAreABitch) I am rich in these fun experiences I never got to indulge in before. I am removed enough from the drama of my family to finally start developing some sort of identity away from them. I stand in the rain and let my mind be blank. I buy fresh flowers at the farmer’s market every Saturday.

The reason I don’t feel like a bad ass bitch in moments like yesterday at the beach is because it reveals almost a weakness or vulnerability that still makes me uncomfortable. I’m pretty open with my emotions (on here anyway) but even here I’m a little irked about feeling like I need or want the company of anyone. I don’t like the feeling of wanting to need someone to make an experience better.

The vulnerability annoys me in this case.

But then again, my own annoyance at that vulnerability? THAT annoys me almost as much.

For what are we here for if not for love? I’m confused about what my purpose or path is but I am pretty sure that love is one of those goals I at least want to accomplish.

Love can be found throughout all of nature but I think as mammals that bond is an inherent part of our psychology, both romantic and platonic.

Anyway.

I was sad about not having someone to hug during the rain. So I decided to write about it.

What else is new.

Cheers to overthinking simple things like thunderstorms.

-M