Car Musing

One of the things I have missed the most since beginning this new job is driving. I am taking my car on a massive road trip from Maine to Wisconsin to remedy the situation. I love driving so I’m super excited.

I love driving because when you’re on the highway, the music is low and you’re alone with your thoughts, crazy things start to happen. It’s not drunk me. However, the self awareness and the emotional vulnerability is there.

It was on a recent drive (like I’m in a parking lot writing this out, recent) that I realized why I focus so much on my love and dating life. Especially when it seems like “everything else is good”. It’s because everything else isn’t good. In fact, everything else is so confusing and messed up that I use my love life as an escape. Sometimes a happy escape. Sometimes a sad one.

But an escape nonetheless.

If I focused on my other issues, I would be perpetually crying. Or angry. Angry enough to trash my room and have all the panic attacks. If I focused on my other issues, I would yell at God. And like Mandy Moore said in A Walk to Remember, I don’t want a reason to be angry with God.

If I took a look at the state of my mental affairs, I wouldn’t like what I see.

Is everyone this confused about the world and why things are the way they are at 23? Or am I alone?

Is everyone riding the struggle bus? It just keeps going and going and going. Whenever I see a rest stop coming up, the bus ends up changing course and passing it. The only change in this routine is when it stops just so I can transfer to a train which is even worse. Quicker pain. More efficient mental unrest. Ugh.

This is more explainer than post. I’m aware that my issues seem trivial and I acknowledge the privileges I have to complain about my love life, deadbeat parents and a universe that keeps doling out everyday bad luck. I get that. And in a way, I am grateful that my issues and worries are less than that of others. For sure. It could be worse. It could always be worse.

But it still hurts.

Here’s to a little less pain and a lot of rest stops in between the bus ride.

Enjoy the sun.

-M

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