Post from December 14, 2017
Anxiety is waking up at 4 a.m. multiple days in a row because your brain is wired. Thinking about things that are not major. Thinking of every possible way things could go wrong. It’s having to talk yourself down from panic attacks in public and developing coping mechanisms for when you’re hyperventilating and the world begins to lose focus. It’s not second guessing. Or third guessing. It’s spending hours tossing and turning on a decision and then overthinking that outcome.
Anxiety is having to be away from my headphones. It’s allowing the world to see all of me and being terrified. Not because I don’t like myself. But seeing me, really seeing me, means exposing me to potential hurts. Like I said, anxiety is thinking of all the possible ways that everything could go wrong.
Anxiety is feeling like your room is too warm or too cold even when you know it’s not. It’s being mentally uncomfortable.
I live in my head. I create fantastical worlds in my mind. I do this partially because I am a dreamer and partially because it’s much more fun to live in a world where my anxiety does not exist.
I’ve counted the sheep. I’ve given them names. Billy is the youngest. Prometheus is a trouble maker. Dixie is the hero of every story. Sam would be a pot head if he was a human. And so on and so on.
I’ve listen to rain for hours. Two straight hours of trying to calm my mind with the downpour.
Anxiety is knowing, with every fiber of your being knowing, that things will be ok and that you are physically fine, but questioning it anyway.
Sometimes, I think I’m losing my mind. That is has literally gotten up and walked away from me. Lol, maybe it wants to escape the monster too.