Valentine’s Day is one of those holidays that I have a weird relationship with. Pre-college, I never thought about it. It wasn’t a factor in my life because I was the child of very protective African parents. I was very sheltered so boys, relationships, all of that, was not on my radar.
Come college things changed, rather drastically actually. My anniversary with my first boyfriend was Valentine’s Day. So the first and second year of school I “had” a Valentine.
The year after that I was heartbroken and pretty emotionally beaten up on Valentine’s Day. I vowed to learn the true form of self love that year. I went to Australia and reclaimed my sense of self. It was incredibly liberating. It was high keep an uphill process but I’m grateful for it. I realized that although I professed inner love, it wasn’t until I was alone on a day dedicated to love that I really had to take the reins on the love and feel it within.
This past year I was in another relationship during Valentine’s Day. However, I wanted to make sure my friends knew that even in a relationship, I loved them more than anything in the whole wide world. At the end of the day, they are the ones that are there for me through the emotional romantic periods. The day involved a drunk Hilda and Arindam, the second 50 Shades of Grey, a drive into the city and so much friendship love. I don’t think I’ve had a better Valentine’s Day.
Now, it’s a weird thing I’m in. I guess I am in a self love mode again. However, the first time I was here in Australia I was learning how to be, just be. I am currently very comfortable. Would I like a Valentine? Fuck yeah. But am I craving it like I did freshman year? Fuck no.
I am in a space of whimsy. I can’t seem to find the words, oddly enough. My first week of work went well. I am excited for all that I am about to learn. I think in the summer, Wisconsin will be a beautiful space for me to explore and hike. I’m (knock on wood) in a good space mentally, spiritually and emotionally with friends and family. I love my apartment. To be in one’s own space after feeling like a burden to others for so long is such an incredible feeling.
So why then do I feel like something is missing?
I think I always pride myself on being self sufficient. Even if I want something, if I am not emotionally, mentally or financially ready, I am usually ok with it. I think that’s what is tripping me up. I think (I know) I will always love love. I think because of that and because of my weird history with Valentine’s Day, it is normal that I am feeling this way.
Valentine’s Day has always been punctuated with something. This year it won’t. Nothing romantic but also nothing heartbreaking. It will be another day. For me that is weird.
Why am I even acknowledging this “silly” holiday then, you ask? Because while it is a made up holiday created by greeting card companies to exploit us, I like the sentiment. I think every day should be Valentine’s Day if you have a partner or even if you have friends you care about. We should always show those we care about love.
“Send you yellow flowers when the sky gray.” — Enchanted
However, I love the idea of celebrating that a little bit harder on this one day. I love giving presents to show my love. I think my favorite gift I’ve ever given is a tie between a deck of cards with 52 reasons I loved my first boyfriend that was inside his favorite box of cereal and an ice scraper I gave to my friend Chrissy. She has not let me live that down because she loved it so much but really I just wanted to show her that I was listening to her when she spoke of her troubles driving in the northeast, seeing as she was from the south and snow was not a thing she was used to.
I think I thrive off of showing and giving love. I think I may be feeling like something is missing because this year, there is no one around for me to share or dole out that love to…
This is not a real problem. I’m aware. It is strange for me though.
I’m hoping that the day itself won’t be as weird, as I will be at work annnnd it’s the first day of lent (no, I don’t know what I am giving up yet). I’ll let you know how it goes.
p.s. I saw the last 50 Shades of Grey on Friday (I had to see how it all ends after two straight Valentine’s Days of watching it). This is my favorite song from it and I love it a lot. It’s a cute song that makes me wish I was a million little bubbles of light just floating about to the rhythm.