Well, it happened. New York happened and now I am back home with my family. It’s weird. When I was there, all I wanted to be was here. Now that I’m here, I am anxious to get away once more (but not to New York anytime soon —  I am not a city girl yet). Coming back and trying to wiggle my way into their lives has been stressful. And a little sad. As I get older, I realize that I have to start my own journey now. I have to go off into the wild and forge my own path. If only to not feel like a burden.

I think these are the things that I want. Maybe saying them, speaking them into existence will help with my anxiety:

• I want a job where I am writing. All I want to do is be a reporter and tell stories. I’m just overwhelmed by the prospect of doing it all. I’m scared I will never get the chance to actually do it.
• I want to be able to live on my own. Living with the people in New York was one of the craziest situations I have ever endured. I hated not having any sort of a sanctuary to go back to.
• I want to find love. Because I am a romantic and sometimes just want someone I can cry big ugly tears to without feeling like I am taking up their time with my sadness.

That is actually all. I thought the list would be longer but at my core, those are the things I want. A stable job, a roof that is mine over my head and a partner.

These are the truths that I am also aware of:

• It is said that “Patience is a virtue”. I am applying. I have a whole company’s worth of journalists also helping me. I feel confident in the skills that I currently possess. I am smart. I am kind. I work hard. This time that I am at home is a much needed rest and vacation. I will find something and I will someday get my Pulitzer.
• I am now considering places with jobs that will place me in positions where I can afford to live alone. I will get my own space. I paid my dues with a terrible living situation. I will do everything in my power to have a sanctuary.
• • Even if I have to live with others, I will make sure I have a sanctuary wherever it is that I go next.
• This one is a no-brainer. I am 23. My life plan doesn’t even have me finding the love of my life until 25 (yes, I have a life plan). I have time. Plus, I believe in God’s plan. Mr. Right or Mr. Right-for-me-at-this-stage-in-my-life will come when it is the right time.

I know that one of my greatest weaknesses is that I am not a patient person when it comes to my career and to various phases of life. I utter the phrase, “I kinda want to be a mom” pretty regularly (although only in theory, NOT ACTUALLY. Nobody is trying to be doing that right now and also making a name for myself. Fuck no). When it comes to people and when it comes to working hard to get where I need to get, I am patient. When it comes to having a job, however, I am just a mess of a person. And that is ok. I just have to work harder on controlling that part of myself and reminding myself of the steps I am taking. I’m working on it. I’m not sitting on my butt (despite what I post on snapchat).

Breath.

Breath.

Breath.

breath.

breath..

breath…

breat…

brea…

bre…

br…

b…

…

-m