In a strange place at the moment. Things could be worse. They could be infinitely worse. They could also be much, much better.
“Fun” stuff first.
Boys. Oh boys. No crushes anymore. Cute bike guy (boy that used to smile and say hello since freshmen year and has now become this weird enigma in my life because it’s like we both MIGHT — I don’t want to speculate anymore based on recent events — find the other attractive but he’s too much of a coward to approach and I’m too proud to make the first move) is officially “cancelled” as the young kids say these days. Right now in my life, I’m not really in the market for a relationship of any kind where I am the sole pillar of it. I have a tendency to do a lot when it comes to “moves” and putting myself out there (case in point what happened with Intellectual Bae — more to come). That’s not cute to me anymore so while I find this boy incredibly attractive, it’s not worth feeling that I would be in a one sided thing.
Understanding what you want is such a liberating experience. Knowing that physical attraction is really not enough and there has to be a little courage on their parts and then being okay with wanting that? Clutch. Doesn’t change things but I’m much happier knowing that than the confusion I was feeling before (and as you may recall, I wasn’t even mad about that).
Onward to Intellectual Bae. The exact opposite happened in this situation. I find this boy intriguing. He and I are studying the same thing, we hang out in the same space, I found out we have similar career goals. Very cool. However, I wasn’t sure if I liked him. Don’t ask me why but I just didn’t. Part of it is that I don’t think I’m physically attracted to him. He’s not bad looking, — heck Hilda liked him at some point (which made this even messier but SPOILER ALERT: he’s sort of cancelled now too so it doesn’t matter) — I just don’t think his pheromones were enticing to my biology (Cute bike guy? His pheromones sing to me.) Because I wasn’t as emotionally invested, I did make the first move. I asked him for a meal and it was fun and nice and I made a new friend. What I’ve told friends is this: if something were to happen I would not be opposed to it but if nothing happens I am 100% happy just being friends with this person. I’m not making any more moves, however. It takes two to tango and I’m the one who asked him to dance.
Stone by Alesia Cara and What if I go? by Mura Masa is where my heart is at right now.
The election happened. It happened. If you’re reading this and voted for America’s President-elect or support his policies/rhetoric, know that you are calling for my destruction as a black person, as a woman and as an immigrant and that makes me sad. If you voted third party or didn’t vote and you could, please understand that I get wanting to protest the election based on the candidates but your actions also contributed to the election of a racist demagogue and that makes me sad. If you voted for the other candidate who was not only qualified but willing to work with all Americans, thank you. And that is that. I’m ready to move forward and tackle whatever it is the future brings.
My family situation has gotten worse and better at the same time. The sacrifices I make for my family mean nothing to me. They are blood and if there are things that I can do to help out, I do. It just sucks sometimes to see and witness the pain and the pride.
My friendships are weird. They’re straight up weird. I’ve received support and love from sources that astound and thrill me but some of the go to that are suppose to support me have not been and that makes me feel weird.
Figuring it out and searching for a little peace at the holidays approach. I am thankful for this outlet and for that continue to join me on my crazy journey. Until next time fam.