Someone said you’ll always be upset about the chances you didn’t take. I firmly believe that. However, if one is unable to take such a leap, it may also be that they are not ready or the universe is helping them out in some way. I’m unsure if that is what happened last night. 

Fear of rejection, especially because you’re not like the other girls, is very real and it’s painful sometimes. I am sad that the main reason I don’t approach guys is so far beyond my control it’s not even funny. How I look and how society looks at me has affected not just my academic or social life. It’s my love life, my career life, etc. Being in college right now where so many are focused on love and relationships and hooking up, it’s hard not to get sucked in. Even with as strong as I have become, all that I have been through on this campus and how aware I am of everything that goes on, I still sometimes get sucked in. Sometimes I want to participate but alas something always stops me. 

I don’t think I’ve wanted to be in a relationship or find someone for myself as much as I did last night. I met the sweetest boy who loves his girlfriend so much he sent her 1,000 paper cranes so she could “have everything she desires” (part of a Chinese or Japanese tradition). He took a train down to see her while they were still in high school and deciding whether or not to date. The amount of love this young man shows for another person? His love? That shit almost knocked me off my feet. 

Where is that today? Why is this an exception in a group of anomaly guys who love someone and they know it and they’re not afraid to show that? 

Yesterday my other friend went on a date and the day before that was debating whether or not to get the girl flowers first. One of my other friends was telling him not to because she will overthink it and all this other bullshit. Luckly, I had another romantic at the table and we encouraged my friend to get the girl flowers. Why not be a little brave and get that girl you like flowers? Or send 1,000 paper cranes? 

Romance is not dead and I’m glad I am getting to see it in new people but the amount of people that I know would appreciate more romance and courage but whoever they’re with or whoever they’re crushing on is a millennial who doesn’t really subscribe to these “antiquated” forms of affection, is too many to count. Your girl here is one of them. 

I should have stayed at the party and hooked up with a boy there. Are you laughing or scratching your head yet? Either reaction is fine if you know me by now. No, I am joking — mostly. Last night I did want to just be with someone and have find solace in bodies, even if it is under the cloud of night. But luckly, 2 seconds after that thought crossed my mind, I shut that shit down so quick. 

If I’m not ready, if you’re not ready, it’s ok. If I want something more than a hookup, I shouldn’t settle for one. I have to be a little more courageous. I know. I have to go after things I want without fear of rejection but if that WANT of something isn’t strong enough to propel me to be brave, then maybe it’s not the right thing or time. Yet. 

Peace,

-M