Ummm Ok

Have you ever experienced selective remembering? I’ve been having a couple cases of that the last few days. When something reminds you of good times with a person and you’re like, “I should call that person up and tell them,” but then you remember you don’t have that relationship anymore.

There is also the case where you remember something about someone and what happened between you two and you realize how much worse it was but your mind just didn’t let you really dwell on it at the time. In this one moment I am not being vague to be vague, it’s just because there are multiple situations that are running through my mind to warrant these thoughts.

I’m trying to understand why I am feeling this way by writing it out. Questions running through my mind currently:

Why is it that even though I know someone is no good, they still pop into my head?

Why don’t I feel connected to people anymore?

Am I turning into a robot?

That last one was mostly a joke but all jokes start from some truth right? I have these cool things going on in my life and I have these amazing people in my life. I no longer feel the sense of hopelessness I felt in the summer. I feel very centered. This means, however, that I’m also not as excited about things. I used to write to escape my turmoil. I used to participate in every club and activity to keep from crying about my life situation. Now, my life is good. My relationships (minus one that isn’t bad but it’s just gotten really really weird and I don’t know how I feel about it because I don’t think I messed the situation up but I feel like this person might be avoiding me or isn’t telling me something important but I don’t know what it is so I can’t ask but I really want to ask) are all pretty fantastic. Hilda is as crazy as ever. Going on a journey of sorts herself. My sister is well. My mother and I have a new found calmness in our relationship. The boys are well (well mostly but that is another story for some else’s blog). I’m stressing about a paper I should be working on right now but I know it will get done and it will be fine (knock on wood). Work always gets done — I’m not worried.

I think, maybe, just maybe I want to be in a relationship but not really all at the same time. I think I have built up enough of myself from last year but I also understand that this is who I am and I will always crave companionship. It’s what makes us human after all (or so I’ve been told). I know how I felt last year and how I felt when I was abroad. I wanted a relationship because I wanted someone who I could use for another form of escape because I was still struggling to hold it all together. I wanted someone to hold me while I cried about shit. Now, however, I think I just want an instant, go to best friend. I’ve mentioned the epic love story I want but I think, maybe (I’m thinking out loud on this one folks) I want someone I can share in the recent joys with. I also want a cuddle buddy because it’s getting a little chilly. The but comes in with where I am. I wish I could escape the world of Camp Bobo and find a companion. I would love to have a relationship with someone who is not on this campus and who has no ties to my life here. I have separated myself so well from the Bubble this semester (while still firmly in it too) and trying to find that companion inside it would be so disastrous. I guess I am in what some would call a rut. I’m not unhappy. In fact, I’m fairly happy. I simply wish I could bask in that happiness with someone else who wasn’t an escape route but rather another form of peace.

Wow. This is again why I write. I honestly had no idea where this was going when I started. As you can see, it doesn’t even have much to do with the selective remembering I was speaking on earlier. Although I can understand why that is where it began. Having those good memories is not an indication that I want to see that person or even talk to that person. It is my mind’s way of saying I want that companionship from the past, that enhanced my level of peace, to be here in the present. Oh to be a young millennial in a large city with tons of people to see and form new bonds with.

Until my next epiphany,

-M

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