I started this post awhile ago but I just haven’t been in the right frame of mind to finish it. I’m there now. I have the guts to be honest with you and myself. There are tangible, real life reasons that I feel the way I’ve been feeling since coming home. My father has not spoken to me in over a month. He got remarried and has a new stepdaughter. He stopped talking to me the weekend I came home from Australia. That’s what I meant when I said I’m easily replaceable. Even with all the love and support my friends and my sister give me, the fear that they will all leave is still there because the people in my life who are never suppose to hang me out to dry, my parents, my family, they did.
Growing up, my father and I were very close. We often butted heads though, because we’re kind of the same person. We deal with things in the same manner. We’re both incredibly stubborn. However, being the daughter, I loved my father. Even when we would get mad and I would be screaming at him (internally of course because I’m African after all and I’ve been taught that we don’t yell at mom and dad, no matter how silly they’re being) I would go apologize for being a brat and things would be okay.
This time it’s different. He got married to someone. Like, someone is living at his home and is his wife and he didn’t tell me. I’m not exaggerating. Not once did he tell me. When I found out (because he threw the daughter in my face and said “Like her”) I broke the “never yell at your parents or elders” rule. My family treats me like a child because I am the youngest but some things are unacceptable and cannot be ignored so I told him off for being a douchebag about the situation. What did he do? Promptly dropped me. Hasn’t spoken to me since.
Now, why is this important to the narrative of why I’ve been having so many ups and downs lately? I never knew I would be in this parentless and brotherless situation today. I always thought that despite everything, they would always be there for me. Like I said, if it’s that easy for my father, who claimed to love me and promised to always be there for me, what is stopping others from doing the same? If my brother, who was my best friend long before these new people in my life, can go from loving me to calling me terrible names and never speaking to me again (haven’t spoken to him in over a year), what is stopping others from doing the same?
As strong as the support system I’ve built has become, my heart will always be a little damaged and confused. I’ll always have this fear of being dropped.
I’m now trying to speak that fear into existence so that I can work on vanquishing it. I want to get past this. It’s been what’s making “home” so awful. These experiences I’ve had with my family, coupled with guys I’ve been with who have doing essentially the same thing, has fucked me up.
That’s why I’m scared to go back to school in a couple weeks. Those people are even less close to me than family or close friends. Again I say, what is stopping them from doing the same? They have even less to lose. I can say that those who have dropped me lost a loyal bitch who would be there for them through thick and thin. These people at school…they don’t even know me. While I love my school, it’s incredibly small and once you are there, you don’t have the luxury of saying you want to branch out and meet new people. You know all the people. You will always know all the people. You walk by them every single day. If you don’t want to see someone, tough cookies. You’ll probably see them even more.
As we’ve established, I feel things very deeply. So that brush off to some might not be a big deal, but to me, as a damaged soul just trying to find some solace in those around me, it’s a freaking mountain.
I’m going to make a list. Below are all the things that I’m afraid of. I am speaking them into existence so that I can find solutions to them. I want to be aware of my fears so that I can then find the things that make those fears seem small. “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than the fear.” – Ambrose Redmoon/The Princess Diaries
- I am afraid that once I get to Bowdoin, all the confidence I gained back while in Australia will be gone. (Surprisingly, this confidence has not gone away this summer – it’s what propelled me to stand up to my father and his bullshit. Despite the aftermath, to this day, I would do it again.)
- I am afraid that I will not find someone who loves me unconditionally. I’m afraid I will not meet someone whom I can have a relationship with who will understand my fucked up past/life. Or simply be empathetic enough to recognize that it has had an effect on me but that damaged goods are still good good.
- I am afraid of change after graduation. It is far away but I am afraid that I will not be ready for the real world because I do not have my parents to help me anymore and growing up I always expected them to be there.
- I’m afraid of being dropped by my friends and by my sister because of the amount of times I have been dropped in the past.
- I’m afraid I will cry too much this fall because I have to see Michael and Matt being happy and me being all nervous and shit (even as confident as I got, I’m still an introverted writer who sometimes trips over her words) and not being as happy as they are.
- I’m afraid of Michael talking to me AND not talking to me. Like with when I broke things off with Matt and I wasn’t sure if him being ok with it was going to be good or not, I’m conflicted here. Although I have mostly moved on from the whole Paige thing, I don’t think I can ever forgive my former friend for not reaching out this entire time. Did our friendship, did me as person, mean anything to him? Clearly not. I’d prefer if he and I didn’t speak but I’m still scared of both responses.
- I’m afraid I won’t like my classes in the fall. Trivial, but very relevant.
- I’m afraid of how to be with my fellow black females in this new state I am in. I’m not the biggest fan of hive mind but they have a bad case of it and I’m no longer afraid of telling it like it is when people are being fake ass hoes.
- I’m afraid this list has gone on far too long. I will sign off now to fix this one.