I am a robot. Watch as I deceive you. 

I think I have a lot of anger in me. I think I have a lot of sadness inside that is on the brink of releasing itself into the real world any second. I hold both in like a balloon holds in helium or air. As we all know, when a balloon has too much helium or air inside of it, it explodes. We were all children at one time and I suspect at some point in our lives we were near a balloon as it popped. The sound does not make us deaf, but it’s not pleasant. As for the balloon it is beyond repair. Taping it back together doesn’t work. There will always be holes and the balloon can never be usable or whole again.

I believe we are all balloons. We all have many, many emotions inside of us. Too much of a bad one can cause irreparable harm. I don’t believe one can be too happy. Yes, there are some people who rub their happiness in the face of others but that is not because they are too happy, but rather because they are greedy  or petty or mean or deeply insecure. Too much of a negative or unpleasant emotion is like too much air or too much helium.

I’m going hiking. I went to church this morning. I am spending time with friends and I am spending time alone. Why then, do I feel like I’m a balloon about to burst? Why can’t I turn off my thoughts? Why can I not have faith in myself? I am surrounded by people who love me yet I feel more alone than I have ever felt. Why is that?

I go to the grocery store and automatically I am a different person. Bright. Smiling. I want to be her. I want the grocery store Marina to be my reality but I know it cannot be. For I go to the grocery store and remain there for 30 minutes. 3 minutes later in the car I could be balling my eyes out. This is not an exaggeration but past experience.

There is much to be thankful for and I am grateful for everything I have. My sister and my nephew are my world. I have two of the best and fiercest friends a girl could ask for. However, I am not simply sad for no reason. My personal life, my family life, everything is crumbling. My heart is breaking. If I am too nice, I get walked on and taken advantage of. If I make a stand and defend myself, defend my honor, I am shown just how replaceable I can be.

The priest at church today preached about how loving God and being a good person is a balance. One must help their neighbor but also not be too distracted by being nice to forget to devote time to loving and praising God.

I have a hard time with balancing my emotions. I can’t seem to tuck any of the bad ones, the ones that are currently making me cry, away. Conversely, I can’t seem to bring forward any of the positive ones anymore. It’s getting harder and harder to do.

I refuse to fall into a pit of despair. I have been there. At that point, the balloon was taking on that almost transparent elastic quality it gets just moments before it pops. It was a year ago and I refuse to go back. I just don’t know how to stop the balloon from exploding.

Send happy thoughts my way if you can spare some.

-M

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