Day 5: Just trying to find my way

Do you ever have those days when you don’t know why but you’re being pushed to do or to not do something? Day 5 was like that.  I’ve forgone going to a party to stay in and work on an assignment. Besides the assignment part however, I’m just getting this gut feeling that I shouldn’t go out. Most of the time when I feel this way and I ignore it and go out, I quickly come home, often in a bad mood.

After speaking to my friend the other day I realized that I get these gut feelings all the time. I’m currently writing an essay on what differentiates humans from machines and why artificial intelligence wouldn’t necessarily be considered “intelligent” or alive even though it can technically “think” for itself. I believe humans are different because we have feelings about certain situations, people, places, etcetera and we decide our actions based on how those people, places, situations, etcetera make us feel. I have recently contacted people less and less. Before I really vented to my friend and she gave me some sharp criticism about how I approach situations with people who hurt me, I would have contacted the people who I consider my closest friends at school during this rough time (exam season and the fact that I’m having anxiety about coming home). I find that I usually speak about my feelings to them eventually but not because they ask but rather because I feel isolated if I don’t and they’re the only options around.

A beautiful thing happened when I didn’t contact them. The people who really cared, asked me how exams were going. They asked me how I’m feeling about everything. Yes, it was only 3 people (and none of them included my “closest” friends at school). It validated me more than any other time when I have contacted my friends, listened to their problems and then somehow managed to spill my feelings (often to be told, “But you’ll be fine” instead of the “That sucks. Exams suck but I think you will rock them because you’re smart. If you get stressed, just give me a call and we’ll talk about it.” I was hoping for). Beauty lies in those who have a mutual appreciation and care for one another.

So basically what I’m learning today is to trust my gut. If my gut is telling me not to text that person because they don’t care enough about me to really ever text first, then I won’t text. If my gut tells me to not fall for the fake niceness some people give off in order to validate themselves or make me feel small, then I won’t. Finally, if my gut tells me I’m about to fall into a trap, either with friends or boys, I will put my guards up.

I am not becoming a cold hearted bitch. It will never be my intention to be cold or bitchy. I think last summer I unintentionally did that by trying to distance myself from people. This differs from that. If there is mutual respect and care between the two parties, I will be just as good to them as they are to me. I will be there for them not because I want to be a good person but because I know that if the table were turned, I could count on them to be just as much there for me and because I care about them. Tit for Tat. “That’s the motto baby. YOLO.”

Likewise, my guards will not be up all the time just to “protect” myself. I think I’m also learning that there is a fine line between being guarded so you don’t get hurt and being walked all over. It’s different with different people and different relationships. With new people it’s good to have a guard up just because you don’t know them but also to remember to be open enough to make new connections. With others, friends, I think I’m learning that they can hurt you even more if you let them so having a mental guard up when things seem shady might not be a bad idea.

Learning my name and hoping for the best. Until Day 6.

Peace,

-M

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