Day 2: I’m a little messed up 

It’s days like today that give me hope that everything will be okay. Woke up and for reasons that are so incredibly trivial that I don’t even feel like sharing here, I was in a bad mood. To top it off shit has started hitting the ceiling with my family just when I need them to provide me with some support. The cherry on top was going to the hairdresser and realizing how broke I actually am. So the day started real crappy.

However, it ended on such an incredibly high high note. First, I spoke to my friend from home about everything on my mind – from boys to my family drama. It was so therapeutic. Turns out I have a lot of work to do this summer. I smell a new journey and new goals coming in. More on that later.

After speaking to her and just venting I went to a casual dinner party. One of my exchange friends is leaving tomorrow. I’m sad she’ll be gone and that this experience is really coming to a close. It seems like just yesterday I was meeting her for the first time and thinking she was the coolest person ever and on another level I could only dream of being on. I mean, she is mad cool and sweet, but now I can actually call her my friend too which is so nice. The others in attendance were also older and just super pleasant people who I could hold so many conversations with. I loved it. It was such a relaxing way to end the night and such a nice little farewell to those guys in a group setting.

Sometimes the best medicine for a confused mind is to talk it out. Whether that is spending 2 hours talking about your specific problems, spending 3 hours talking about everything from feminism to hypothetical boy situations or doing both, communication helps to relax the mind.

That was my major lesson of the day. I learned that often what we need is to either have someone validate the way we feel or tell us straight what we need to fix in order to be happy. Luckily, today I got both.

This leads me to the new journey I am going on this summer. It’s not completely fleshed out yet but parts of it are solidifying. I have to learn not how to toughen up this summer. I think that has been my main struggle since the beginning of this blog. I have always thought that in order to be a happier individual I have to focus on others and the way they make me feel and the way they impact my life. I thought that the path to happiness included toughening up my emotions so I don’t get hurt when people act like they will meet my high hopes and expectations and they just fail miserably (i.e. hypothetically speaking to a person just to brag and then promptly ignoring their efforts at communication – hypothetically). It’s not. I have to stop giving people the opportunity to walk over me. It’s always good to be polite and nice, but I have to give as much as I get without overdoing the kindness within me that wants to do the “right” or “mature” thing. I have to end conversations and I need to be cordial to the people who do not deserve my kindness.

Last summer, I just pushed people away. That taught me a lot about those who are important in my life. This time around, I know the important people and I know the people who hold substantial attention in my mind. I will not be pushing anyway away but it’s time for me to recognize the amazing people who don’t always need me to be the first person to call. I have those. Plus I can always develop more of those strong friendships. However, it’s time to work on other people taking advantage of my kindness. I have always seen kindness as a strength but there are some that will see it as weakness and pray upon that. Part of the summer goal is to learn how to not put myself in these situations. 

Peace until tomorrow,

-M

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