At the end of my last post I was left feeling slightly down. I wasn’t particularly sad or heartbroken (shocking, I know). I said I was missing something. I was searching or hoping for something that I may never find. No, I haven’t found that thing that I can’t even name. Instead I have come to another realization. At the end of the day, no matter how many people disappoint me, shock me, make me sad or even break my heart, I will always have my words.
I got slightly emotional the other day. It was around the same time I wrote my last post about feeling lost. I went to snapchat (arguably my favorite form of silly social media) and sent a series of snaps talking about things that bring one peace. I basically said that if you find something or someone who brings you peace, never ever let them or it go. I still stand by it. In this modern age of cyber bullying, body shaming, sly racism, etc etc it’s hard to obtain a level of peace, much less maintain it for a long period of time. As such, when that peace is obtained, never let it go for if you do it will be even harder to get it back.
I think I’ve slightly taken for granted just how beneficial writing has been to me. Since 7th grade when I got my first journal on Christmas I have been scribbling my thoughts away. The act of writing has impacted my life so much that I want to pursue a career in which I will be writing every day. There are days when I want to bottle everything up and not even write them down but when I finally give in I always feel better. Every time. Sometimes marginally, other times a substantial amount.
I think during this time of confusion — no other way to describe this constant lack of understanding of what’s going on in my head and why I feel certain ways about particular people/moments — writing will be my best tool. I love dancing and I love going on walks but possibly writing everything out (even pointless shit like this explaining my master plan -muhhahahahaha) might help.
This is why for the next week or so I will write a blog post every day. At least once a day I will spew out some thoughts and hopefully we shall see at the end of the day what’s really bugging me. It will be overload and I understand if you stop reading them after the second or third (I like to read completed fanfictions because it’s much nicer to read something in one sitting than it is to go back each time it’s been updated sporadically every 3 weeks to 1 year).