Strange Night

It’s nights like last night that remind me that I am constantly on a journey. There is no end to anything, only a continuation and growth.

I was out with my friends and randomly in the middle of having a great time I had the urge to text that guy I shouldn’t want to text. You know, the sand horse guy. It was the most peculiar thing. Back home when I was feeling down or unwanted by everyone around me we would usually grab a meal and just talk. He was a diary in that sense but better because he could help me process whatever it was that was really bothering me.

But last night I wasn’t feeling unwanted or like anything was bothering me. When I think about it though, I had the same experience last year when I became single again. Sometimes Matt would pop into my head and I’d just need to talk it out instead of writing. I needed an interactive interface. I realize now that he was my go to for those conversations. Last night I realized that he would be the one I would turn to for feeling this way but I can’t because it’s him that is popping into my brain. Strange.

What do I do in a situation like this? Being so far away from my loved ones has been hard but I think last night was the hardest. There was no particular emotion I was feeling. It’s hard to explain or put into words. It’s not a longing or a sadness.

Walt Disney said that no matter what we have to “Keep moving forward.” It is  the theme of one of my favorite Disney movies, Meet the Robinsons. The main character literally had the chance to change his entire life. He felt the alternative life he would have had if he wasn’t an orphan would be better than the one he was currently living (“the grass is greener on the other side” and all of that). SPOILER ALERT: he remembers at the end that even though his life isn’t perfect, it is still a wonderful and amazing life full of love.

I feel like I’m the perfect movie goer. Big claim there, I know. But get this: I fall for the magic. I fall for the corniness 9/10. I’m slightly jaded in life but when it comes to movies, especially Disney moves, I am not only a child, I am Wendy from Peter Pan. I believe wholeheartedly.

That’s why I know the grass isn’t greener on the other side. There are days I regret breaking things off with my ex. Yeah, I said it. There are those days when I am sad and I just mentally shut down and live in the past. What do those days get me? If you said “Nothing but heartache and a day wasted,” you guessed right. I know that.

Likewise, spending the day missing my friend will get me nowhere. Coming to terms with my decisions and with my choices is sometimes rough but I know that they are the right choices.

I’ve lost so many people in my short life and I’ve been mentally and physically alone far to much in my life (something I’m working on). I’ve had a weird amount of personal struggles thus far but I’ve been good at moving forward, through and past those struggles. Now that I have come to terms with my family struggle (mostly) I’m focusing more on this other mental struggle.

It’s like a cold. You think you’re all better but a couple days later you sneeze again. Remembering is like a mental sneeze. My mind is at the very “end” of it I think. I’m going to continue taking the proper self care steps and soon enough it will be a cough. These memories, the occasional sadness will always be there, I know that. One does not simply forget the first love of their life or their former close friends. Honestly, I wouldn’t want to forge. It does become easier to deal with and bear over time I hear.

Request: if any of you older, wiser strangers have the cure for a mental cold or some tips, comment below.

Hoping to “feel better” soon.

Peace🏾,

-M

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