Whenever I am upset, no matter where I am, I begin singing Kimya Dawson’s I Like Giants. It gives me peace because it reorients my thoughts and gives me perspective on whatever is making me upset.
When I go for a drive I like to pull off to the side
Of the road, turn out the lights, get out, and look up at the sky
And I do this to remind me that I’m really really tiny
In the grand scheme of things and sometimes this terrifies me
But it’s only really scary ’cause it makes me feel serene
In a way I never thought I’d be because I’ve never been
So grounded and so humbled and so one with everything
I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything
Rock and roll is fun but if you ever hear someone
Say you are huge look at the moon, look at the stars, look at the sun
Look at the ocean and the desert and the mountains and the sky
Say I am just a speck of dust inside a giant’s eye
I am just a speck of dust inside a giant’s eye
We all become important when we realize our goal
Should be to figure out our role within the context of the whole
My life experiences, as grand and as big as they seem in the moment, are but a small fraction of the picture that is my life. I take this macro song and apply it to my micro life. I will be fine. This time last year I was in a loving relationship. Six months later, I was heartbroken and I thought I would never get out of that funk. Obviously, I did. Matt and I are now friends and I no longer look back at that point in my life as this horrible time with a horrible boy. I learned a lot from that relationship about romantic relationships and about myself and my needs. I know that what I’m feeling is only temporary. This feeling of confusion and sadness and disrespect will fade. As it did with Matt, my heart will get better.
Knowing that doesn’t really help me right now in terms of the hurt that I feel but it allows me not to dwell on it and go about my life despite the emotions. Knowing I will be ok helps me to continue on.
Yes, that was incredibly dramatic but still valid. Putting my thoughts down like this is really hard for me. I don’t like feeling these emotions. One of my close friends often tells me in situations like this: You are not a robot, you are human. You feel sad and upset over things you might not expect sometimes and that is okay because you are human.
I think I should clear up, if any confusion still exists, why I feel so upset. It sucks to have someone you thought you could trust and who you thought cared about you beyond just an acquaintance show that they don’t really care. A person who cares deeply, as deeply as I often do, would always want to respect their friends. That means even if you’re scared about doing something, you would do it anyway if you knew that is what your friend deserved.
We expect the love we think we deserve. I wrote that. I did. It’s still so hard when the expectation falls through.
I get too emotionally invested. I know this about myself. I’m working on it. Clearly, I have a long way to go. I understand that. Lets hope that today has taught me something: be more careful with your heart. I am cautious but I need to be a little more so. In all my relationships. I need to be respected more and I have to earn that and command that.
Watching the Office and dreaming of giants.
More rational me, out.