So maybe a month ago I wrote a post where I told you about the boy who used me to get over his broken heart. I usually try not to write while upset. This is my exception. It has come to attention that I’m an idiot in every sense of the word. Idiot first for engaging in that whole thing and then an idiot for letting him and that situation get to me. I did, I let it get to me. Then, and here is the best part, I thought I would be fine when all my suspicions came true and he not only went back to his ex, he was too much of a coward to do it while I was there. I thought that because I knew beforehand it would be less shocking and less annoying.

You see, months and months ago my best friend had a meal with boy (we all lived on the same floor our first year in college so we all know each other and such) post that time we went out a few times and discovered how much of douchebag this kid really is. I knew he was getting back together with her. I did. He told my friend and said he would wait until I was gone. I left school yesterday and they made it official yesterday.

He thinks he’s respecting me by waiting until I leave. One, I haven’t even left yet. Two, I feel nothing but disrespect by his actions. He knows me. He was one of the people who I thought knew me better than most. We clicked in that sense. We’re both very emotional people. He also knows I hate cowards. I made that clear as day that I hate cowards and people who don’t respect me but smile in my face and act like my friend.

Friends don’t do what he just did. Honesty. He could have just told me he was with her. If he did, I would have thought, “Ok, this kinda sucks because it proves what my initial thoughts were – that you only asked me out and went out with me because you were upset and needed someone to validate you and I was an easy target but you respect me enough that you want to man up to your feelings for this person and tell me you’re sorry about the entire situation and for being a dick.”

(Sidenote: he was a real dick. He thought it was appropriate to talk about how this whole things was going and end it after we had hooked up. I rarely feel unbeautiful or not like a woman. To be discarded after getting physical with someone…not going to lie, it was rough on my psyche for a while. I said that my heart has to rebuild itself. My self esteem regarding my body, also has to. I understand I am beautiful. Not to be narcissistic, vapid or shallow, but I know it. My sister and my mother are both beautiful and there is no way that I can’t not be as well. When this all went down, however, I questioned that for a little bit. I’m mostly back to understanding that beauty is really subjective and just because he was a dick doesn’t mean that I’m any less beautiful but sometimes (rarely) it pops into my head and I hate him for doing that – for ever making me feel less than a strong and beautiful woman.)

Anyway, it would take me some time (as things often do) but I would get over it faster because you were honest. I would understand that you made a mistake and that you didn’t mean to hurt me and that you respect me as a friend, a woman and human being enough that you wouldn’t be a coward and would just be straight with me. Instead I get a slap in the face. An awkward lunch where the two of you are so clearly uncomfortable just being in my presence because you know you fucked up but also not wanting to address it. Then on top of it, not even hours after I said my final goodbyes you’re all happy and shit on Facebook proclaiming your love for one another. “…is now in a relationship with…” Classic. Something out of a fucking teen novel or soap opera. Fucking classic.

When it comes to relationships and dating, man I’m dumb. I’m like a guy, going after people who are emotionally unavailable. In the end I always get hurt. Well no more.

No fucking more. Disconnect, I will. I actually just did. I was kind of liberating. I know, this is irrational and petty of me. Matters of the heart are very rarely, if ever, rational. All he had to do was not be a coward and respect our friendship. I don’t need those people in my life. I don’t need fake friends. I have enough acquaintances and those might as well be fake friends.

Enjoy these humorous pictures depicting my emotions right now regarding this boy, this situation, social media, Bowdoin spring semester, etc, etc.

It’s amazing how the world works, I think I’ve said this multiple times. This morning I saw a great musical (on Netflix) called The Last Five Years:

It’s a love story but in such an unconventional manner. I don’t care what any critic says, this is a fabulous movie. Pulls at your heartstrings, has an interesting plot and the an awesome soundtrack. Thought I would share. Still Hurting and See, I’m Smiling came in handy while writing this. I’m fluctuating between anger, peace, sadness and most of all disrespect. Disrespected is the greatest one right now.

Emotional me, out. I promise, I’ll be back to my level headed self real soon. I’ll keep you posted.

I’ll wait for my boy who will not only come see me in Ohio, he’ll follow me anywhere and we would support each other. Movie reference. Go watch if you have the time.

P.S. And just to keep things light, I’ve been listening to this on repeat for the last week and this whole thing made me think of it again.