Let this be the last love letter…(except not)

So the power went out tonight (major wind and rain) which means I got to get candles. If my posts have not been clear up to this point, I will say it explicitly: I am a romantic through and through. As such, I love the romantic mood that candles create. Especially when the wind and rain are howling and you’re inside and you know that you are safe and sound in the comfort of your room.

I think writing is very romantic. A basic and ancient kind of romance. Darcy wrote letters to Elizabeth and I love their love story (by the end anyway). Suffice to say, the candles put me in a very romantic mood so I naturally turned to writing.

As I sit here in my now dark and romantic room, I can’t help but think about this year thus far and the journey that has brought me here.

Update on my general, non-romantic life: 2016 is only 11 days thus far but already it is better than all of 2015 was. No, there isn’t a spring a in my step because I am looking at this new year as a “clean slate”. Instead, I have a spring in my step because 2015 toughened me up in ways I wasn’t even expecting. Last week I was devastated by a series of unfortunate events concerning my plans to study abroad. Instead of crying profusely for an extended period of time or wallowing in my sadness, I let myself cry for 5 minutes, wrote about 5 emails to a variety of people and then told myself that it was over and now I needed to move on with my life because there was nothing more I could do. Sure enough, it ended up being ok. It ended up being more than okay actually. I am all set for going to Australia in a month and I handled the crisis with a level head. Even more so, I realized that even though the situation looked bad at first glance, there was so much I needed to be thankful for and to thank God for. For instance, I am working on campus in the office that deals with abroad situations. If I had been at home sitting around and this happened, I would have shut down and would probably not being going to Australia. Being in the office allowed me to talk to people face-to-face and get everything sorted out right away.

I’m realizing something that hadn’t entered my mind last year: besides the punctuated periods of peace, life is all about perspectives. Every situation that I have found difficult thus far this year (all 11 days of it) have been bad but nothing that I a) couldn’t handle and b) nothing that didn’t resolve itself very quickly. On top of it, everything that has transpired has created a more positive situation for me.

I spoke to someone today who I wasn’t sure where our friendship laid. I had my suspicions that they may not always be true and they may not be the type of person that belongs in my life. Even this, was a positive experience. I was able to confirm my thoughts and I was able to wash my hands clean of the person and the situation without any big todo. Cordial in the future I will be and I suspect this person also, but gone is this sense of uncertainty that entered my mind every time I thought of them. Gone is the confusion of how to be. It’s all about perspective. Those who belong in my life will be in my life. It will be a relationship built on trust and built on mutual respect and love of one another. That is what I need in my life and I was able to clarify that today.

As for my love life: everything is boring and I like it that way. No boys confusing my mind (knock on wood). As with my friends, I only allow those who matter to make a mental imprint on my mind these days. My heart is a fighter. It’s taken many a punch, and I don’t just mean romantically. This means that although it has been broken before and knows the pain and understands that the pain will eventually stop and the cracks will eventually heal, it still takes a really long time to be whole again. Continuing on with this silly metaphor, my heart was in a wheelchair in early November because both of its legs were broken. By the end of the semester in December (around Christmas) one leg was healed and one was still in crutches. I am happy to report that the other leg that was in a cast now only has to wear a brace when playing basketball  (as if this metaphor couldn’t be more convoluted).  In more plain words, I am at peace with my love life and all who are a part of it or were. I know where the lines are for people and I will not allow myself to cross them or blur them anymore. I am happy that there is no one I am crushing on and no one that I would carelessly flirt with just for the sake of flirting (that’s what got my heart in trouble last time). Others may not know where we stand but I surely do. Yes, yes, vague. When have I ever not been, dear Stranger?

Everything that has happened happened for a reason. I think that reason was so I can go away to Australia not feeling confused about where I stand with anyone at my school or back home. I know where everything is and where they will be when I get back in June. I was a tangled mess throughout the semester and with each bad experience with people or great experiences with others, the strings became untangled and the relationships cleared up.

I wrote a love letter to myself at the start of the year. It  said that the person to love the most out of all the people I love (and I do love many) is the girl whose face I see when I look into a mirror. That love letter has not gone unread. Infact, I’ve mentally framed it and made a permanent space for it in my mind and my heart. Until the next letter.

-M

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