Just for now

What a semester this has been. Luckily it almost over. Two more weeks and I can go home. I have not kept up writing here but my journal has gotten a lot of new material. Putting my thoughts and emotions on paper (physical or virtual) makes it more real. My heart however, needs to vent.

This has been the most challenging semester I have ever had. I thought that breaking things off with my ex and having to continue to go to classes was difficult. My current situation is equally, if not more, difficult. My heart has been broken multiple times throughout the semester. Over and over it healed and was quickly broken again. Furthermore, it was broken by those who I felt I could depend on. In the case of my ex, I understood that he had the potential to break my heart because he and I were romantically involved but I never expected my friends to be the ones to break my heart.

One must understand that it takes me a lot of time in order to fully trust someone but once that trust is gained it is solid. Likewise, once that trust is broken, it is broken. Many trusts have been broken this semester and I don’t know what to do now. There, I have admitted it. I don’t know what to do. My best friend broke my heart and made it hurt. He took advantage of my empathy and was manipulative about it. I was a bandaid for his broken heart and when his wound was healed I was discardarded. He and I are trying to come back to square one now. We are attempting to repair our friendship and I think we will be fine but I don’t know if I can trust him again. I don’t know if my heart will ever let my mind do that again. My heart breaks over and over again every time I see him and think of the girl he loves. I do not want that for myself. I do not want to be a second thought, especially not in a relationship. Never again. I apologize for the vagueness of the situation but I am still confused myself as to how I thought it would be a good idea to engage in anything with someone whose heart was already firmly in the hands of another. A mistake I will never make again (hopefully).

Next, my character has been questioned throughout the semester and again I don’t know what to do. It makes me sad that those closest to me and those not that close to me do not understand that when I say something, I mean it. I do not say nice things to be nice, I say them because they are true and they are how I feel. My heart breaks for them because they do not have more faith in their friends and more faith in their fellow women.

—–

In my own little bubble right now. I’ve been working on this post for a couple days now. It’s funny, although I haven’t shared anything throughout the semester, there have been many posts started. At the most random times. When I’m drunk, when I’m sad and whenever I feel like I am lost. In those moments, however, I need instant gratification. I need to not censor my thoughts or format my words. I can’t have the keyboard in front of me – I need the pen shaking in my hands. I need the words to be pouring out so quickly they become almost illegible. I need to feel the pen piercing the smooth paper and creating grooves, crafting a dance of anger, pain, sadness, joy. I need the pages to soak up any tears that may fall. The fusion of the dead – the pages – and the living – those salty tears – that is something the screen will never give me. I know, I know I’m typing right now and taking the time to format. Although I am still confused, it is a welcome confusion. I’m okay trying to think about what exactly is going through my mind and how I’m feeling. With my journal, it is not necessarily a welcomed experience. Tears are great, don’t get me wrong. They are really cathartic and can help you physically express emotion but let’s be honest, does anyone ever really enjoy the emotions behind those tears?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s been really hard for me to write recently because what I need, a release of emotions so that I may get on with my day and not feel like I have something caged inside me, can’t be achieved through a post.

This is my apology post, kinda. No followers yet but I find that sometimes reading something once, even if I never go back to it again, affects and helps me. The possibility that others are reading this and find it cathartic and exciting that someone may feel as confused and as lost as them, keeps me coming back to this. That is something my journal can never give me. Sometimes, just knowing that I may not be alone, that there is another being on the planet who can sympathize helps to adjust me and keeps me from going insane and helps with the loneliness that often accompanies confusion.

On the subject of those who have hurt me: I will survive, I always do. I will forgive but I won’t forget. My friends are not perfect, no one is. I was talking about boys with a friend recently and she told me something about her heart and mine that I had never contemplated: Intensely emotional people like us tend to have humongous hearts filled with so much love, it is analogous to a water balloon filled with too much water. Naturally, when the chance arises to release some of that love, to show and tell someone how great of a human being they are, we sometimes go overboard. We just want to give it away because there is so much of it. That’s why we get hurt. Luckily, I know that now. And ever since, I haven’t been as sad romantically or otherwise. There isn’t anything wrong with wanting to give out love or being trustworthy, I just have to recognize that it’s good to be a little more cautious and not go in wholeheartedly from the very start. My love, and your love, is precious. It’s a gift, a privilege, not a right or expectation.

Lastly, if you’re a college student suffering through finals right now, good luck. If not, good luck anyway. We could all use a little bit more luck in our lives. Peace out cub scouts.

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