It’s quite strange, this emotion called love and these strange things called romantic relationships. Currently in a state of suspended sadness but also suspended pride in myself. I was able to recognize what I needed as a woman in a relationship. Although it was one of the hardest things I have ever done, I put my needs above those of someone I cared deeply about and severed ties so that we may both be free mentally and physically.

That does not eclipse the sadness that overcomes me sometimes. It’s late at night, usually a very random night like a Wednesday or a Saturday that my memories come flooding back. Like a small child in the ocean for the first time, I am swept away into the sea. Once I am able to pull myself out of these memories I am often emotionally drained. All that is left is the sadness. Sometimes regret (very, very, very rarely though). Sometimes anger. Mostly just longing though. Longing for those memories and the circumstances of those happy times.

To be as blunt as possible: it’s sucks when you miss someone but you can’t call them or text them. Having a good enough relationship where that is permissible is almost as bad as having a bad relationship where all ties are cut. Please let me explain.

I remember when I first broke things off with my ex and I insisted that the best way to get over him was to avoid him at all costs. Yeah, that didn’t really work well for me. Update on my life: we have since become “friends”. I put that in quotation marks because it’s just so weird and new. We were friends before we dated, but for a brief period of time. I have spent more time being his girlfriend than I have being his friend since I met him. I think we’re both trying to figure out what a friendship between us is going to look like as a result of our past together. At times it is awkward to even make small talk over text. Other times, everything is very chill and whatnot.

I miss my cuddle buddy. I miss my constant movie date. I miss that smile that gave my stomach butterflies and made my heart literally skip a freaking beat. I miss having someone whose energy always brought me peace (until it didn’t of course).

That’s what I mean by a good  relationship also being bad. Seeing and talking to some, without being with them and really sharing your life with them, kinda stinks.

Take what happened on Friday for instance. On Friday I got a job spontaneously. I worked hard for it. I squeezed my way into a volunteer opportunity that apparently I get paid for. I am living out my dreams at the current moment. I am being paid to write and take photographs. I walked out of the meeting feeling amazing and wonderful. I was on top of the world.

Then the memories and the instincts kicked in. Wanted to text about this awesome opportunity to a certain person. Did I? Of course not. I used to but we don’t have that same relationship where we randomly text each other anymore. Usually it’s once a week or once every couple of weeks and I initiate it. We said we would be friends and stay in each other’s lives but what that means is rather unclear to me (I think to him too).

On the bright side, what I’m feeling now is much better than what I was feeling two months ago. It’s funny. You’re probably reading this dear stranger and thinking, “You were together for a year. He was your first boyfriend. You call it ‘love’ but you’re so young, how do you know what love even is?” To that I say the following: there are many different types of love. What I am feeling is that first time, can never be replaced, puppy love. Never again will I be this innocent in a relationship. It’s that first love kind of love that only happens once. I am sad that that experience is over and that my heart misses it.

Every coin has two sides to it though. I am so happy to have started this post, tucked it away for a couple days and then come back. At the start it was quite depressing but now that I have gone through the memories and now that I have let the sadness in naturally and then pushed it out naturally I have come to another conclusion. Maybe losing that innocence in a relationship is a good thing. I now know what I want in a relationship. Even though I miss him right now we had many, many, many problems. So many that we broke up. But I overlook them often and it’s not until I let the feelings come that I can overcome them.

In a year’s time my feelings of loss will be miniscule and I will no longer be as emotionally crazy as I have been. Till then, I will ride it out. I know in my core that even though it hurts right now, it takes courage and love of one’s self to refuse to continue a relationship with someone who can’t provide all that you need them to.