Well I’ve had an interesting few weeks. I am realizing that at times my resolve can be one of my worst attributes. I stand by the decisions I have made this summer. Going on a journey which involved focusing more on myself and “returning home” (more on that particular phrase later) was one of the best things I have ever done. Even though it’s only been a couple weeks, I have learned a lot about myself. I have severe trust issues. Detrimentally severe trust issues. I did not know that. I honestly believed that I had worked them out of my system.
It is at times like these that I realize just how important it is to be alone with my thoughts but how equally important it is to speak to someone or multiple people about my thoughts. As humans we are constantly striving for peace of mind. I’ve created a blog and a twitter account dedicated to searching for peace through the sharing of words.
In my quest for peace I thought that the best method was pushing people away. The way I approached it is that my journey is about focusing more on myself so I need to push people away. Not actually the best thing. I ended up pushing someone away (my roommate and best friend) who has nothing but good intentions and who has always had my back. I let my fears overwhelm me (as I often do) and because I am on a “people cleanse” I decided it would be fine to just push everyone away. Then we had a big heart to heart and I realized that that is not the best option.
Like I said earlier this summer, sometimes, it is me. Sometimes I am the one that needs to reevaluate my life. In this instance, it was me. I was overthinking and had mentally started to prepare for the inevitable: my best friend cutting ties with me. Clearly that is not going to be the case UNLESS I push her away first. Tip of the post, don’t push away good people, especially not best friends who mean more to you than you might even be aware of.
With the crazy background I have had, I don’t think anyone can blame me for having trust or abandonment issues, however. I have had many people abandon me so I become easily spooked and I think that is what happened.
Side note: Hilda, if you ever find this blog know that I love you dearly even if sometimes I can be the biggest bitch that ever was and sometimes I don’t properly show how much I care about our friendship.
See stranger, this experiment was not for naught. I am going to continue to do some self analysis and reflections. I am going to continue doing “Just for Marina” things and really study my emotions and see what they mean. But I will stop the Arctic level isolation. Being alone for the sake of analyzing your thoughts and emotions is good but being alone because you think people will leave you or because you think it would be easier, is not healthy.
Despite the series of unfortunate or unexpected events, still I soldier on. Until next time stranger.