One of the weirdest relationships I have, have had and will continue to have forever is the relationship I have with myself. I know, that sounds strange. A relationship with myself? Allow yourself to step into my strange head for a second.
Recently, I ended a relationship with my boyfriend of about a year. Although I am not always the most sensitive individual when it comes to the emotions of my friends, I myself can be rather emotional and crazy when it comes to how I’m feeling. Suffice to say, I didn’t expect to be as hurt as I was or as angry as I was.
More context: I never dated in high school. Boys really were not a priority for me. All I was focused on was getting into a good college and someday making something of myself. When I left home and went to college, things changed, to say the least. I realized that having someone who is even closer than a best friend that promises to always be there for you and who provides you with both fun and peace, is beyond amazing. If you still have goals in mind and you know where you’re going in life, they’re the furthest thing from a distraction – they’re like your personal cheerleader. Suffice to say, I found myself one of those. He was my first boyfriend and I had really fallen for this kid. At the end of the day, however, I realized that I felt like I had fallen harder than he did and even though I was the initiator of our end, I was feeling very hurt about not being loved the same way as I loved him (so I thought). End backstory.
Fast forward a couple weeks post-break up. I convinced myself that I was over the relationship and that I was a boss ass B who didn’t need to be in a relationship. Stranger, if there is one piece of advice I can give to anyone out there it’s this: never bottle your emotions up and try to play it off as being strong. It gets you nowhere except random breakdowns in empty hallways before class starts. This cycle happened multiple times.
What I found was that when I told myself I was over him I felt a sense of euphoria but when I had a meltdown and realized I wasn’t, my self esteem was shot because I realized I’m wasn’t as strong as I thought.
It took me forever and five days to understand that what I was feeling is okay. Being emotional is good, it makes us human. I am not completely over my ex and that is okay.
You’re probably thinking, I thought this girl was going to talk about her relationship with herself. What this experience taught me is that I can’t separate the relationships I have with other people and the relationship I have with myself. The only times I truly felt okay were not when I was bashing my ex and proclaiming how I was over the relationship. It was when I had recognized that even though my ex hurt me, I could not allow those hurt feelings to overpower my entire being and to make me too angry.
Self analyzing is always good for the soul.
I am more than someone’s girlfriend. I am more than someone’s roommate. There is more to me than being someone’s something. Although the relationships you have with other people are a part of you, they are not all of you.
I was telling my roommate the other day that people don’t focus enough time on cultivating the relationship with themselves and growing through that relationship. It wasn’t until I focused on myself as a person, outside of my relationships that I started to feel better. I did things just for me and that was when I truly got on the road to heartbreak recovery. Recognize and feel your emotions but don’t let them overtake you. I sound like Dear Abby but in my experience (which is all I’ve got) that’s the only way.
Like any relationship, the relationship with myself has it’s ups and downs. Sometimes I am so in love with myself it’s disgusting. I give zero fucks about what anyone thinks of me. I stomp and strut down the streets (I treat myself a lot during these times). Other times, I fall out of love with myself. Sometimes I feel as though I can’t get a handle on my emotions and that I do stupid things without thinking. These emotions I feel, which are completely unrelated to how another person feels about me, are important. I need to focus on them as much as I focus on my relationship with other people.
Summary: My boyfriend taught me a lot about myself. I learned to cultivate the relationship I have with yourself. When I’m feeling hurt or out of control, I have learned to let the emotions out but not let them overtake my life. The road to peace begins by loving myself and taking the necessary steps to get to that amazing state of self love.
Until the next folding chair teaches me even more lessons, goodnight.